Oh! More Things I Know…
✌ Daily Kos, which has saved the universe at least half a dozen times already, turns 22 this month.
✌ Justice Samuel Alito is one more reason among hundreds (including yesterday’s 2003 “Mission Accomplished” anniversary) why George W. Bush's legacy will forever wallow in the mud alongside those of sty dwellers James Buchanan, Andrew Johnson, Richard Nixon, and Donald Trump.
✌ Trump locked up the nomination so quickly because the party of personal responsibility and family values prefers the candidate who has committed more crimes, sexually assaulted more women, swindled more vulnerable people, plotted more insurrections, stiffed more clients, and broken more commandments.
Continued...
✌ The red-hatted cult's attempt to smear gay people as "groomers" can't help but backfire. Everybody already knows they're groomers. They've dominated the hair care industry since forever.
✌ Look, I like Willie Nelson. I do. But I think for the good of the country he should step down from making music in favor of a younger Willie Nelson.
✌ I look forward to the day when I can tell my GPS to tell the GPS in the car in front of me to tell the driver to quit driving like an idiot.
✌ The right-wing religious and political kooks who want the death penalty for American doctors who provide abortions here have no problem with doctors performing abortions in Israel because they don’t want to rock the Rapture boat.
✌ Something you rarely heard during Alexander Graham Bell's time: "Dammit, I just dropped my phone in the toilet."
✌ The Supreme Court, which would like you to take them seriously, once ruled that people aren't people, and later ruled that corporations are.
✌ George Stephanopoulos has been eating his Wheaties lately.
✌ The biggest surprise to artificial intelligence is how much it’s had to dumb itself down to match human intelligence.
✌ If you’re ever invited to a squirrel party, leave the Jägermeister at home.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, May 2, 2024
Note: Now that we're all publicly gathered on this National Day of Prayer, I'll start with the customary opening:
O Lord, please give us the strength and wisdom to abolish opening prayers on the National Day of Prayer on account of they're silly. And while it is clear once again that you didn’t hear this prayer, since it has obviously gone unanswered for another year, we can only assume that you’re seeing another universe. If you ever show your face here again, you’re sleeping on the couch. In your name we grumble. Amen.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Memorial Day: 25
Days 'til The Big Nosh Jewish Food Festival in Columbia, South Carolina: 3
Increase in private employment rolls in April, according to ADP: 192,000
Number of anti-LGBTQ bills that have passed so far this year in state legislatures across the country, down from 75 by this time last year: 22
Number of the 40 total anti-LGBTQ bills that have passed in Florida and Georgia: 1
Expected increase in passenger traffic at the Portland, Maine Jetport this summer: 17%
Percent chance that Maine's Julia Gagnon made it into the top 7 contestants on the latest season of American Idol: 100%
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
My term in N.Y. City is also passing, to my glee. I have just been named the Rocky Mountain Bureau Chief of the New York Times. Reason I am chief is on account there ain't nobody else at the bureau. There will be NO fucking morale problems in MY bureau. I get to cover New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, Idaho, Montana and both Dakotas. I keep wandering around the city room with the tactless grin pasted on my kisser, saying, "I'm leaving. Bye."
This here move is considered very big on the Times's part because it has become known that I have a Bad Attitude. I believe [my former headmaster at St. John's School in Houston] Mr. Chidsey was the first to note the fact. Much passes, little changes. I am specifically charged with A) walking around the city room in my bare feet B) laughing too loud C) not dressing right D) making fun of editors E) showing insufficient enthusiasm for the Times and all its wonders and F) just generally coming on too strong. What can I tell you? As Gary Trudeau once wrote: Guilty, guilty, guilty.
—September, 1977 letter to a friend in Austin, excerpted from Molly Ivins: A Rebel Life by Bill Minutaglio and W. Michael Smith. Molly's rocky tenure with the Times lasted from '76 to '80.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Yes…their ears hang low and they wobble to and fro…
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CHEERS to overdue demotions. The ghost of Nancy Reagan is crying in her ghost-astrologer's latte this morning, having just heard that the war on "reefer madness" just tilted hugely in favor of Team Reefer. About damn time:
The Biden administration moved Tuesday to reclassify marijuana as a lower-risk substance, a person familiar with the plans told CNN, a historic move that acknowledges the medical benefits of the long-criminalized drug and carries broad implications for cannabis-related research and the industry at large.
The US Department of Justice recommended that marijuana be rescheduled as a Schedule III controlled substance, a classification shared by prescription drugs such as ketamine and Tylenol with codeine. Democrat Rep. Earl Blumenauer of Oregon said in a statement that rescheduling is “one step closer to ending the failed war on drugs.” […]
Last fall, members of the FDA’s Controlled Substance Staff wrote in the documents that the agency recommended rescheduling marijuana because it meets three criteria: a lower potential for abuse than other substances on Schedules I and II; a currently accepted medical use in treatment in the US; and a risk of low or moderate physical dependence in people who abuse it. The National Institute on Drug Abuse concurred with the recommendation.
Ironically, anyone who says Joe Biden is too old and out of touch to be president must be smokin' some good sh*t.
CHEERS to slaying the red-tipped beast. Speaking of Dark Brandon being too old and out of touch to accomplish anything, I have to say I may be getting bored with all the winning by this 81-year-old whippersnapper:
Weekly COVID-19 hospitalizations have hit their lowest level ever reported since the pandemic began, according to data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
There were 5,615 COVID hospitalizations in the most recent week data that is available. In comparison, there were over150,000 weekly admissions at the peak of the Omicron variant circulating in early 2022.
"The significant decline in COVID-19 hospitalizations and deaths to these new lows is encouraging, showing that our public health measures and vaccination efforts have paid off," said Dr. John Brownstein, chief innovation officer at Boston Children’s Hospital and an ABC News medical contributor.
Responded Biden's 2024 rival: "When I become president again I'll turn those numbers around, believe me." And you know what? In this case, I actually do.
CHEERS to the days of lollipops and surpluses. On May 2, 1997, President Clinton and congressional Republicans came to terms on a plan to balance the budget over five years. Said Newt Gingrich of the bipartisan agreement:
“This is a great moment for our children and our grandchildren and our country, and we are proud to be part of that.”
Fourteen years later, as a presidential candidate, Gingrich foolishly raised his hand when asked if he would veto a budget with ten dollars in cuts for every 1 dollar in revenue increases. But in fairness, he did also offer jobs to our children and grandchildren. As janitors. On the moon. Amazingly, he didn’t become president.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to ominous omens for the MAGA cult. With the 2024 election a mere—[spends 30 minutes counting on fingers before pulling out calculator]—187 days away, the Supreme Court's puritanical reversal on abortion rights is still looming large. The anti-choice crowd who thought it would just fade into the background as time went on are now realizing that, sorry, God ain't gonna give you a plug-nickel's worth of protection from the wrath of the voters in November:
Nearly two years after the Supreme Court decision that overturned Roe v. Wade, Americans remain broadly opposed to the ruling, according to a new CNN poll conducted by SSRS. […]
About two-thirds (65%) oppose the 2022 Supreme Court decision, Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization, and 34% approve, numbers that have remained effectively unchanged in CNN’s polling across the nearly two years since the ruling. Those who strongly disapprove of the decision continue to outnumber those who strongly approve by a more than 2-to-1 margin.
A 69% majority who disapprove of overturning Roe, including 82% of those who strongly disapprove, say that federal politicians should work to pass laws ensuring national abortion access.
And how does one elect enough politicians to pass those laws? I can think of November 5 reasons.
JEERS to HELLO URGENT MESSAGE KIND MADAM 7 PLEASE RLPY V&i*GR#A HOT SEXY LOVER NEED ASSISTANCE!! We can't let today go by without acknowledging this week’s 46th anniversary of spam. It had a fascinating beginning. Via Geekosystem, here's how it started back in 1978:
Gary Thuerk, a marketer for the Digital Equipment Corporation, blasted out his message to 400 of the 2600 people on ARPAnet, the DARPA-funded so-called “first Internet.” Naturally: He was selling something. (Computers, or more specifically, information about open houses where people could check out the computers.)
He annoyed a lot of people. And he also had some success, with a few recipients interested in what he was pushing. And thus, spam was born.
Aren't we lucky. Now if you'll excuse me, I just got an email I have to attend to from "Íâó¾Àí/½ø³ö¿Ú¾Àí " with the subject line"|Íâó½Óµ¥Ó뺣Í⩵ ¥»ñÈ¡²ßÂÔ|" It might be news from my favorite Nigerian finance minister. Or his widow. (Thoughts and prayers.)
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 2, 2014
JEERS to consolidated crap. Just gonna sneak all this into one innocent-looking blockquote. Feel free to ignore it, but I need to at least document the ugly for time-capsule purposes:
Oklahoma botched an execution as bad as it could be botched, Israel cut off peace talks with Palestine, Syria is still a mess, storms are huge and deadly down south, the armed Bundy nuts are setting up roadblocks in Nevada for god-knows-why, kidnappings and forced marriages of hundreds of young women are happening in Nigeria, there's been another oil-car train derailment (Virginia this time), Bob Hoskins died, net neutrality is on the ropes, East Ukraine more closely resembles the wild west, there was a shooting spree in a Georgia town where everyone is required to own a gun to prevent shooting sprees, first-quarter GDP sucked hard, and the bamboo has started invading our yard for another year.
Okay, that was icky. Back to happyville.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. Whenever the shit gets too deep here on the bluish-brown marble, I head over to NASA's site to see if Space Force—still a thing under the iron-fisted rule of Dark Brandon—is conquering every ball of gas and rock in the known galaxy. Sorry to say the answer is no, so we'll just have to spend our days and nights gazing yonward and dreaming. This month’s major celestial events include hot planet-on-planet action and exclusives for the southern hemisphere skywatcher’s club. Here’s NASA with your monthly preview:
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And remember: for effective stargazing, adjust your vision by looking at something completely dark for at least 30 seconds before casting your eyes upward. We suggest a few seconds staring into Matt Gaetz’s soul.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Justin Bieber is sharing his tears for the world to see—and, by doing so, he's sending an important message to men. That message is that it's OK to splash in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool
—USA Today
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