The Week Ahead
Monday House Democrats return from their two-week "district work period." House Republicans return from their two-week "sleep in ‘til noon, kick the cat, send out some psychotic tweets, then then take a nap" period.
A total solar eclipse seen from Texas to Maine provides awe and wonder to millions of normal people and a fresh batch of end-of-the-world conspiracy theories to the cultists.
Tuesday The total solar eclipse causes the end of the world. Nah, just kidding. That won’t happen 'til next week's asteroid, which not one cultist will see coming.
Today is National Unicorn Day. Also known as Republicans Care About Deficits Day.
Continued…
Wednesday Alex Jones suffers a brief pang of conscience. It quickly passes and his office staff cancels the 911 ambulance call.
The 45th president of the United States remains indicted on 88 counts of financial fraud, and today those indictments will sue to get moved to a different defendant because being attached to Donald Trump is hurting their credibility.
Thursday Oh poo. Another day, another day JFK Jr. doesn’t show up anywhere disguised as anybody.
America's Republican governors issue a joint statement of apology to their base voters and Fox News after they realize they've gone a full day without signing a piece of anti-woman, anti-Black, or anti-LGBTQ legislation into law.
Friday The University of Michigan announces the consumer sentiment index for April. Analysts are puzzled as America’s mood swings from rebarbative to effulgent.
The spring fiddlehead forecast is released and, once again, experts are torn between "boiled" and "pickled."
Saddle up and let’s get this foolishness over with by suppertime.
And now, our feature presentation...
-
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, April 8, 2024
Note: Due to a clerical error, the United States now belongs to the government of Norway. We regret the inconvenience, but at least now we’ll get some decent stuff done. —Mgt.
-
By the Numbers:
Weeks 'til Trump's sex-for-hush-money trial starts: 1
Days 'til the Cheese Expo in Madison, Wisconsin: 8
Percent of Democrats polled last month who believe the United States would be better governed with more women in office": 84%
Percent of Republicans who believe the same thing: 32%
Estimated amount Americans legally wagered on NCAA March Madness games this year, according to the American Gaming Association: $3 billion
Number of sports gambling ads N.B.A. and N.H.L. viewers are exposed to per minute: 3
Number of thermal features (geysers, mud pots, hot springs) at Yellowstone National Park: 10,000
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: A rockin' good time…
-
CHEERS to jobs, jobs, jobs! (Or as Fox News describes it, since it's good news: "Nothing, nothing, nothing to see here!") If nothing else (and there's plenty else), President Biden has lorded over one hell of an employment comeback since taking office 39 months ago. The latest jobs report was so good that it was released by the Labor Department via confetti cannon on Friday. Bill McBride at Calculated Risk remains my go-to blog for number crunching, and he writes:
The headline jobs number in the March employment report was above expectations; and January and February payrolls were revised up by 22,000 combined. The participation rate and the employment population ratio both increased, and the unemployment rate decreased to 3.8%. […]
Leisure and hospitality gained 49 thousand jobs in March and is now above pre-pandemic levels. Construction employment increased 39 thousand and is now 596 thousand above the pre-pandemic level. Manufacturing employment was unchanged and is now 176 thousand above the pre-pandemic level.
Another strong report.
One guy who won’t be working this month: former Trump ambulance chaser and Jan. 6 insurrection planner John Eastman, who got his law license revoked last week and will now start mooching and taking from you and me when he marches down to the unemployment office and demands his free money. Pffft. Republicans. So predictable.
JEERS to swirling eyes of evil. If it's April, it must be hurricane season…or, to be more specific, hurricane prediction season. First out of the gate is AccuWeather, the Pennsylvania-based private company that in 2005 lined Senator Rick Santorum's campaign coffers in exchange for his promise to try and neuter the government’s National Weather Service and eliminate them as a forecasting competitor. What a dick move. But they have some decent meteorologists, so it's worth hearing what they have to say about the upcoming season. In a word: Yikes...
"The 2024 Atlantic hurricane season is forecast to feature well above the historical average number of tropical storms, hurricanes, major hurricanes and direct U.S. impacts," AccuWeather Lead Hurricane Forecaster Alex DaSilva said. This echoes the early warning AccuWeather issued in late February, ringing the alarm bells about the potential for a surge in tropical activity.
AccuWeather meteorologists are forecasting 20-25 named storms across the Atlantic basin in 2024, including 8-12 hurricanes, four to seven major hurricanes and four to six direct U.S. impacts. This is all above the 30-year historical average of 14 named storms, seven hurricanes, three major hurricanes and four direct U.S. impacts.
Warm water is fuel for tropical systems, and there will be plenty of warm water for fledgling systems to tap into and strengthen.
"Sea-surface temperatures are well above historical average across much of the Atlantic basin, especially across the Gulf of Mexico, Caribbean and the Main Development Region [for hurricanes]," DaSilva explained. The Atlantic water temperatures observed in March were around or even warmer than they were in March ahead of the blockbuster 2005 and 2020 hurricane seasons.
The names for 2024's tropical storms are listed here. As always, if you're named after a storm this year, you're in charge of the cleanup. (It’s only fair.)
CHEERS to hoops hopes. After a wild March of ups and downs and smiles and frowns—not to mention a road littered with busted brackets, we can finally say congrats to the South Carolina Gamecocks, the NCAA women's basketball champs (over the Iowa Hawkeyes 87-75). Tonight the less popular men's division wraps up the Madness d' March with a board-stompin' dustup between Purdue and UConn. My head says Go Huskies, but my gut's cheerin' the other guys because God came to me in a dream and, as I was levitating in a swirl of mystic fog, told me to put all my chips on the Boilermakers. Hey, don't laugh...we agnostics take these things very seriously.
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
CHEERS to a fine FLOTUS. Happy Birthday to the late Betty Ford on what would be her 106th birthday. She gained fame in an era that many Americans can vaguely remember—namely, a time when the GOP had a smattering of class. But even then, she was a persistent thorn in her party's side:
Throughout her husband's term in office, she maintained high approval ratings, though some on the far-right of her own Republican Party strongly opposed her on more liberal social issues.
Betty Ford was noted for raising breast cancer awareness with her 1974 mastectomy and was a passionate supporter for the Equal Rights Amendment.
Pro-choice on abortion and a leader in the Women's Movement, she gained fame as one of the most candid first ladies in history, commenting on every hot button issue of the time from sex to drugs.
Her most enduring legacy, of course, is the Betty Ford Center. Sadly, the center doesn't have a wing for candy corn addicts like me. But I'm happy to say my self-administered Charms Blow Pop replacement therapy seems to be holding. One day at a time.
CHEERS to precious moments. Yesterday afternoon, with our last winter storm of the season behind us (7 inches last week and, by golly, all melted now) we began our ceremonial putting away of the snow shovels in the shed, our ceremonial storing of the barrels of ice-melting pellets in the basement, and our ceremonial removing of the leopard-print thongs from the plastic storage bin in the closet. Also yesterday, the neighbors began their ceremonial Lowering of the Blinds in their windows. God bless America.
-
Ten years ago in C&J: April 8, 2014
JEERS to shunning your child. Sorry to inform you of this, but as of today Windows XP is dead to Microsoft. Without the company's supervision, anyone still using the system may experience crashes, cyber attacks, frozen screens, and glitches that defy description. In other words, nothing will change.
P.S. My Windows 95 is still good to go, though. Right?
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to previews of today's big attraction. Have you HEARD??? There's a total solar eclipse happening today, and it looks like Maine will have the clearest skies for the viewing. That makes me so happy that I'm in the mood for some eclipse jokes. There are many out there on the web, but they suck. These are all mine. Prepare to have the nostrils part of your nose squirt milk out of them:
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To see the eclipse on the other side.
-
Q: What do you call a bunch of fleas standing on a dog's head with pinhole boxes over their heads while they do fun tricks that will delight your whole family?
A: An eclipse-watching flea circus.
-
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, where's the Imam?" Priest leans over and says, "He's watching the eclipse, so put our drinks on his tab!"
-
Heyyyyyyyyy…take my eclipse, please!
-
What did one horse say to the other horse? "If someone asks if it's okay to stare at an eclipse, you say Neighhhhhhhhhh!"
-
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Solar eclipse.
Solar eclipse who?
No, I'm not a solar eclipse owl, dummy. Just a regular solar eclipse. Are you stoned?
I'd suggest that there should be a Mark Twain Prize in my future, but I couldn’t accept. I'd hate to eclipse the accomplishments of the previous winners. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"Making news: Boffo new Cheers and Jeers just posted from the new kiddie pool high dive platform! Way higher than expected! No algae in sight!"
—John Berman, CNN
-