From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Chaaaarge it!

I love The Week magazine. They do a nice job summarizing news and opinion---left, right and center---from a variety of sources, both in this country and abroad. In this week's issue I was struck by their clarity and simplicity in describing how we're paying for the nightmare in Iraq. Behold The Credit Card War:

The Iraq war, says economist Joseph Stiglitz, is "the first U.S. war financed entirely on credit." When the war started, the Bush administration said it would cost no more than $60 billion. But the U.S. budget was already in deficit, so the administration had to borrow money to finance the invasion. About 40 percent of the money was borrowed from China and other international investors---the first time since the Revolutionary War that foreigners financed a U.S. war. At the same time, the administration and Congress lowered taxes instead of raising them, as is customary in wartime. The Federal Reserve kept interest rates low, which encouraged middle-class Americans to go on a consumption binge financed by credit cards and home-equity loans.

Today, say Stiglitz and other economists, the bills for the country’s spending spree are starting to come due, in the form of higher prices, a weakened dollar, and lower living standards. "There’s no such thing as a free war," Stiglitz said. "The U.S.---and the world---will be paying the price for decades to come."

But at least we're getting our money's worth. Right?

Contractors hired to rebuild the country’s infrastructure or provide security have overcharged the U.S. for everything from soft drinks---$45 a can---to gasoline. Millions of dollars in no-bid reconstruction contracts were diverted to things such as Super Bowl tickets, prostitutes, watches, and jewelry. And much of the reconstruction work has been substandard. ... "This became the lens through which Iraqis now see America---incompetence, profiteering, arrogance," said House Democrat Henry Waxman of California, a vocal critic of the war.

So remember: Vote for John McCain in November. Because a hundred more years of this will be awesome!

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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Yesterday I learned that...

>> The race is over. For the sake of unity, Hillary and Barack will be co-presidents. Blueprints for a second White House will be revealed shortly and we'll need another Air Force One plus a backup. Cheney insists he'll remain vice president because he now transcends the reach of the United States government.

>> The primary season has caused my liver to swell to the size of a gopher, but it assures me it will carry me through to the August Democratic convention. This is important because I need to see if they get the balloon drop right this year.

>> Troubling: 99.9 percent of Indianiacs and North Carolinistas don’t wear flag lapel pins. Average bowling score among all residents in the two states: Wow...37.

>> Defying all laws of nature, physics and common sense, Chris Matthews would actually be more fun to have over for dinner than Keith Olbermann.

>> A thought that was not going through a single Republican's mind as they voted in yesterday's primaries: "John McCain! Yeaaah...He's the MAN!" (It was more like, "Okay, I'm done. Gimme my goddam 'I Voted' sticker and lemme outta here.")

>> A gas policy that I think everyone would get behind is free gas for everyone.

>> 89 percent of the autographs Barack or Hillary signs will end up on eBay. This presents a minor challenge for people who got them to sign various body parts. 75 percent of all autographs signed by John McCain will be used to forge checks.

>> At 11am yesterday, the Huffington Post's top headline, in 24-point type, read:

a href=http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/04/03/north-carolina-primary-ne_n_94961.html>Huge Turnout In Both States...

Ha Ha! Is their editor Arianna...or Errianna???

>> I'm a brat.

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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Size matters

Iowa was The Biggun.

Then New Hampshire was The Biggun.

Michigan was supposed to be The Biggun but state party officials interfered and made it a wee'un.

Then Nevada and South Carolina were The Bigguns.

Florida played Michigan's game and ended up another wee'un.

Then...Super Tuesday, baby! Now that was The Biggun.

The Potomac Primary? The real Biggun!

Then Texas and Ohio were The Biggest Bigguns of all.

Until Pennsylvania came along. It wasn't just The Biggun, it was THE BIGGUN.

Now Indiana and North Carolina are The BIGGEST BIGGUNS IN ALL BIGGUNLAND.

Last night on Countdown, NBC's Chuck Todd, who is like Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation when it comes to primary parsing, explained why today is, um, so big:

"We leave the campaign trail tomorrow. There are now more delegates at stake in the backrooms than there are on the campaign trail after tomorrow. We've got 264 superdelegates. ... We have the 366 delegates still in dispute in Florida and Michigan. But we'll only have 217 delegates that you can actually earn from voters. So at this point, if you're either campaign, what are you more worried about, the backroom or the campaign trail? You go to the backroom. So I think that's what's interesting about tomorrow. It's the last time the voters will have the majority of the say and we move to this deal-making."

And this is why we drink.

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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

McCain Embraces Another Radical Extremist

I'm beginning to doubt the straight-talker's integrity. First he seeks the endorsement of radical warmonger and Catholic/Muslim/Gay-hater Pastor John Hagee. Now I've learned that he's in bed with a convicted felon who promotes violence against the United States government.

The Chicago Tribune's Steve Chapman explains:

Now a conservative radio talk-show host, [G. Gordon] Liddy spent more than 4 years in prison for his role in the 1972 Watergate burglary. That was just one element of what Liddy did, and proposed to do, in a secret White House effort to subvert the Constitution. Far from repudiating him, McCain has embraced him. ... "It's always a pleasure for me to come on your program, Gordon, and congratulations on your continued success and adherence to the principles and philosophies that keep our nation great."

Liddy was in the thick of the biggest political scandal in American history---and one of the greatest threats to the rule of law. He has said he has no regrets about what he did, insisting that he went to jail as "a prisoner of war." ...

In 1994, after the disastrous federal raid on the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, Texas, he gave some advice to his listeners: "Now if the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms comes to disarm you and they are bearing arms, resist them with arms. Go for a head shot; they're going to be wearing bulletproof vests. . . . Kill the sons of bitches."

He later backed off, saying he meant merely that people should defend themselves if federal agents came with guns blazing. But his amended guidance was not exactly conciliatory: Liddy also said he should have recommended shots to the groin instead of the head. If that wasn't enough to inflame any nut cases, he mentioned labeling targets "Bill" and "Hillary" when he practiced shooting.

Chapman says the straight-talkin' McCain campaign refused to "acknowledge" or "answer" repeated attempts to get info about the maverick's rosy relationship with the radical, unrepentant Liddy. Then again, it's only the "G-Man." In conservative circles and D.C. cocktail parties, he's just a big cuddly shoot-first-ask-questions-later Teddy bear. Perfectly pleasant gentleman. Pay no attention to the delusions of grandeur.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled Obama bashing.

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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Little-known fact: late-night snark was invented by Edison. Wow.

"MSNBC is reporting that the Department of Homeland Security is asking boaters to be on the lookout for terrorists in small boats trying to detonate a nuclear bomb.  Fifteen billion dollars a year for Homeland Security and all they can do is come up with three drunks on a Wave Runner?"
---Jay Leno
-
"David Blaine today broke the world record for holding his breath, on Oprah---17 minutes, four seconds. Blaine has now frozen himself, he's starved himself, he's gone without sleep for weeks, and deprived himself of oxygen. Today, Dick Cheney said, 'See, it's not torture. It's magic.'"
---Jimmy Kimmel
-
"Earlier today, Chinese officials held a ceremony to announce that it's exactly one hundred days until the summer Olympics, and they’re working hard to clean up Beijing’s pollution. Unfortunately, they had to cut the ceremony short because the air caught on fire."
---Conan O'Brien
-
"There is one man who has a solution [to gas prices]. John McCain...presented his proposal. He says that over the summer we should have a 'Gas Tax Holiday.' For summer drivers, the 18-cent-a-gallon federal gas tax---he wants that lifted over the summer. Or as it used to be called, 'Grandpa is giving you $5.'"
---Bill Maher
-
Bill O'Reilly clip: What kind of judgment allows a sitting senator to attend a church that radical? Why is Barack Obama continuing to go to that church?
Sean Hannity clip: He stayed in the church for 20 years. I just don’t know how you could sit there for 20 years.  Let's say he went to the church ten years and then left the church. I think people would've said, 'All right, he was showing better judgment.'
Stephen Colbert:  Exactly! When you see or hear things that are bad or going on in your church, you get up and you walk out. That's what Catholics like me and Papa Bear and Sean Hannity understand. You leave that church!! Unless it's, y'know, widespread decades-long rumors of sexual abuse. In that case you gotta give it time. ... The point is, all any Catholic pundits and Catholic politicians who may be criticizing Obama are saying is: Do as we say, not as we didn’t!
---The Colbert Report

By the way, I'm suing Kos Media, LLC for the cost of one bent maypole. It was [sniff] my granddaddy's and you people BROKE it!

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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

You probably think my headline is a snarky prelude to a post ridiculing President Bush for his aircraft carrier photo-op that took place five years ago today:

Peter Jennings: It is a very special feeling to land on a carrier, and it is from there tonight that the president is going to make what amounts to an end-of-the-war-in-Iraq speech. ... Tonight the president is going to describe how the war has essentially, if not officially, ended.

Nah---his legacy as a huge failure is sealed in amber for all time. Instead, let's remind ourselves of how ridiculous America's traditional media was on or around May 1, 2003. Exhibit A: Chris Matthews...

"[T]he president deserves everything he's doing tonight in terms of his leadership. He won the war. He was an effective commander. Everybody recognizes that, I believe, except a few critics.  ... Here's a president who's really nonverbal. He's like Eisenhower. He looks great in a military uniform."

Brian Williams...

And two immutable truths about the president that the Democrats can't change: He's a youthful guy. He looked terrific and full of energy in a flight suit. He is a former pilot, so it's not a foreign art farm -- art form to him. Not all presidents could have pulled this scene off today.

Not even Millard Fillmore? Puh-leez. The New York Times says...

Never before has a president landed aboard a carrier at sea, much less taken the controls of the aircraft. His decision to sleep aboard the ship this evening in the captain's quarters conjured images of the presidency at sea not seen since Franklin D. Roosevelt used to sail to summit meetings.

Mr. Bush was clearly reliving his days as a pilot in the Texas Air National Guard, more than three decades ago.

I assume they're talking about his non-AWOL days. Joe Klein...

"Well, that was probably the coolest presidential image since Bill Pullman played the jet fighter pilot in the movie Independence Day. That was the first thing that came to mind for me."

Laura Ingraham...

"Speaking as a woman, and listening to the women who called into my radio show, seeing President Bush get out of that plane, carrying his helmet, he is a real man. He stands by his word. That was a very powerful moment."

She added, "I do declay-uh, he done gave me thuh vapuhs!"

And I really can't bring myself to point out that Wolf Blitzer referred to Bush as "a one-time Fighter Dog." Really. I just can't.

But I don’t want to beat up on the media too bad. So I'll give Chris Matthews the final word. He said this three days ago after watching footage of Bush clowning around at the White House Correspondents Association Dinner:

"It’s one thing to gather for events like this in Washington.  It‘s another one to laugh and applaud and be charmed when the president puts on a little show.  It‘s harmless stuff, except that the people yucking it up in that scene are the people who are professionally committed to calling it when the people in power get it wrong."

Really.

Update: If you're really a glutton for punishment, check this out.

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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Let's Play A Game of Seek 'n Find!

The Human Rights Campaign is out with its list of U.S. Senate endorsements. One of them doesn’t belong. See of you can spot it:

2008 U.S. Senate endorsements as of April 28, 2008:

Max Baucus, D-MT
Joe Biden, D-DE
Susan Collins, R-ME
Dick Durbin, D-IL
Al Franken, D-MN
Tom Harkin, D-IA
John Kerry, D-MA
Mary Landrieu, D-LA
Frank Lautenberg, D-NJ
Carl Levin, D-MI
Jack Reed, D-RI
Jeanne Shaheen, D-NH
Mark Udall, D-CO
Tom Udall, D-NM

Yeah...Collins. Republican. Best friend of Joe Lieberman and John McCain. Voted for Roberts and Alito. Voted for the Iraq war. Jealous as hell that Laura married George before she could pitch her own woo. Chosen by the HRC over true-blue challenger Congressman Tom Allen, who responds via email:

"I am proud of my record of fighting discrimination on all levels and for standing up for equality. When I was on the Portland City Council, we led the state in nondiscrimination practices by banning bias based on sexual orientation for housing, credit and employment. As a Member of Congress, I have consistently supported fairness and equality measures while opposing discrimination. As a member of the Senate, I will continue to do what is right for all people. Specifically, I will not support judicial nominees like Sam Alito who don’t understand fairness and equal rights."

And let's check HRC's own ratings to see who really deserves the endorsement:

109th Congress: Tom Allen 100%, Susan Collins 78%.
108th Congress: Tom Allen 100%, Susan Collins 88%
107th Congress: Tom Allen 100%, Susan Collins 86%

All I can figure is either Tom Allen slashed their tires or Susan Collins bribed 'em with CDs of K-Tel's Disco Classics. Whatever the reason, this stinks like a crate of week-old fish rotting on a pier in the hot sun.

HRC wants you to donate money to Susan Collins because she's a little less batshit crazy than her Republican "colleagues." Screw that. Give to Tom instead. He's earned it.

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Race tracker wiki: ME-Senate

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

$100 REWARD FOR ANSWERS

I'm just a poor, confused American voter still trying to figure out this whole Pastor Hagee controversy. Here's what I've figured out from the tiny morsels of information I've gleaned from the world wide webnet:

1. Right-wing pastor John Hagee says vile, despicable things about patriotic Americans...the worst being that Catholics are part of a church that is a "great whore," that "all Muslims have a mandate to kill Christians and Jews," and that God damns America with hurricanes because gay Americans plan parades.

2. Oh, and Hagee says God wants us to destroy Iran ASAP.

3. John McCain actively seeks Pastor Hagee's endorsement and gets it.

4. When John McCain accepts Hagee's endorsement, he doesn't include a list of the pastor's statements that he finds unacceptable. No, my friends, he accepts the whole Hagee package with no ifs, ands, or buts.

5. When McCain finds out that Hagee thinks God damns America because of gays, Catholics, Muslims and others, McCain is shocked...shocked!  But he continues to praise Pastor Hagee and cherish his crucial endorsement.

6. Instead of turning the controversy into a teachable moment---with, say, a groundbreaking speech on religious diversity and equality for all Americans---McCain, the straight-talker, continues to weave and waffle his way through the Hagee controversy, hoping that the media will give him yet another free pass. (Most of the media comply in exchange for some excellent barbeque behind McCain's bus.)

7. When gently---ever so gently---pressed about Hagee's statements weeks later by journalists, a visibly agitated McCain blurts out that, hey, at least he wasn't my pastor for twenty years!!!

Questions for Mr. McCain:

1. If John Hagee was your pastor for twenty years, would you have left the church over his anti-gay, anti-Muslim, anti-Catholic and America-damning comments?

2. If yes, why do you continue to accept Hagee's endorsement?

3. If no, why not?

So I am a very confused average ordinary American voter today. That's why I'm offering a hundred dollars to the first journalist who asks the above questions to McCain's face, doesn’t let him off the hook until he gives a "straight talk" answer, and then airs or publishes those comments. Offer expires May 31, 2008.

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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

John McCain: 100 years in Iraq? No problem!

But in Somalia? Not so much:

"The American people did not support the goals of nation-building, peacemaking, law and order and certainly not warlord funding. For us to get into nation-building, law and order, etc, I think is a tragic and terrible mistake. But the argument that somehow the United States would suffer a loss to our prestige and our viability, as far as the No. 1 superpower in the world, I think, is baloney. The fact is, what can hurt our prestige, Mr. President, I'll tell you what can hurt our viability, as the world's superpower, and that is, if we enmesh ourselves in a drawn-out situation, which entails the loss of American lives, more debacles like the one we saw with the failed mission to capture Aidid's lieutenants, using American forces, and that then will be what hurts our prestige."

---McCain in 1993

Or Haiti:

"The right course of action is to make preparations as quickly as possible to bring our people home. It does not mean as soon as order is restored to Haiti, it doesn't mean as soon as Democracy is flourishing in Haiti, it doesn't mean as soon as we've established a viable nation in Haiti. As soon as possible means as soon as we can get out of Haiti without losing any American lives.

"Now there may be different interpretations of this Resolution on the other side, but it is my view---and I want to make it clear and I think the majority of the American people's view---that as soon as possible means as soon as possible. Exactly what those words state."

---McCain in 1994

Watch the maverick at his hypocritical best at Americablog or Think Progress.

I guess Republican wars are just awesomer.

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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

"Perverse" and "Very Strange" Indeed

Why do we poke fun at the Very Serious People who are taken So Very Seriously by other Very Serious People? Hmmm...

USA Today, Monday:

President Bush has set a record he'd presumably prefer to avoid: the highest disapproval rating of any president in the 70-year history of the Gallup Poll. In a USA TODAY/Gallup Poll taken Friday through Sunday, 28% of Americans approve of the job Bush is doing; 69% disapprove.

Bush has had dismal ratings through most of his second term. His approval rating hasn't reached as high as 50% since May 2005. He's been steadily below 40% since September 2006.

"Dean of the Washington Press Corps" David Broder, February 2007:

Bush Regains His Footing

It may seem perverse to suggest that, at the very moment the House of Representatives is repudiating his policy in Iraq, President Bush is poised for a political comeback. But don't be astonished if that is the case. ... [J]ust as Clinton did in the winter of 1995, Bush now shows signs of renewed energy and is regaining the initiative on several fronts. ...

He has been far more accessible---and responsive---to the media and public, holding any number of one-on-one interviews, both on and off the record, leading up to Wednesday's televised news conference. And he has been more candid in his responses than in the past.

Powerline (TIME's 2004 Blog of the Year) co-creator John Hinderaker, July, 2005:

It must be very strange to be President Bush. A man of extraordinary vision and brilliance approaching to genius, he can't get anyone to notice. He is like a great painter or musician who is ahead of his time, and who unveils one masterpiece after another to a reception that, when not bored, is hostile.

Ah. That's why.  [poke poke]

By the way, if you participated in yesterday's C&J coin-toss poll, moments ago we flipped a penny in front of three witnesses (partner, dog and cat). Winner: Heads. Damn.

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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

The Maverick
(With humble apologies to Edgar Allan Poe)

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered drunk and weary,
Over how John McCain, the candidate, could be such a frigging bore
While I watched him, taped, on Fox, thinking I'd rather be from a rafter hanging, suddenly there came a banging,
As of some one violently haranguing, haranguing the butler outside my condo door.
"'Tis some hothead," I muttered, "pounding on my condo door -
If it's that Girl Scout harassing us with her cookies again, I'll buy no more." (I mean it--she's way too pushy.)

Open here I flung the ornate mahogany door (imported from Italy, y'know), when, with many a wheeze and mutter,
In there stepped a codger of the Great Depression days of yore.
Not the least effort to wipe his shoes made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, coerced the condo maintenance guy to bring up a ladder which he climbed and then perched above my condo door --
Perched upon a bust of Gore just above my condo door --
Perched, and scowled, and drooled a little, and nothing more.

Then this blindingly pale maverick beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and clueless decorum of the countenance he wore,
"Though thy hairline be receding and thy whiskers shaven, thou," I said, "sureth looketh liketh a craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient media-hypnotizing maven wandering aimlessly from thy Straight Talk motor coach –- but since yer up there,
Tell me what thy lordly number-one campaign issue is. Is it above reproach?
Straight talk now -- if I pull the lever for you, what am I voting for?"
Quoth the maverick, "Forever war."

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so carelessly spoken,
"Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some Chimp-like 'Decider' whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his poll numbers fell through the floor --
And this maverick thinks it's just swell to continue -- more, more more???
'Forever -- forever war.'"

"Neocon!" said I, "thing of evil! -- prophet still, if warmonger or devil! --
Whether Cheney sent, or whether Lieberman tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by dwindling Bacardi stock haunted -- tell me truly, I implore --
Is there -- is there nothing stopping you from fulfilling thy pledge to Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran? -- tell me -- tell me, I implore!"
Quoth the maverick, "Forever war."

"If that's all yer gonna say get the hell out of my place, you dipwit or fiend!" I shrieked upstarting --
"Get thee back to thy Straight Talk Express and thy ass-kissing media barbeques!
Leave no white hair as a token of that hawkish wet dream thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my reality-based mind unbroken! -– and quit farting above my door!
Remove thy Aqua Velva fumes from out my olfactory canal, and take thy dimpled lardass from off my door!"
Quoth the maverick, "My friends -- Forever war."

And the maverick, who apparently knows how to climb up a ladder but not down, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the now-crumbling bust of Gore just above my condo door ("Jeeves, call security!");
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is destruction-dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his grim-reaper shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that Democratic victory that lies seven months away according to the Garfield calendar hanging on my refrigerator door
Shall be vexed by this trigger-happy jerk -– nevermore!

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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

"Always in motion is the future."  ---Yoda

The primary schedule from here on out:

May 3: Guam
May 6: Indiana and North Carolina
May 13: West Virginia
May 20: Kentucky and Oregon
June 1: Puerto Rico
June 3: Montana and South Dakota

Meanwhile, the National Association of Secretaries of State has an idea for 2012:

• A lottery would be held to determine which region would begin the sequence the first year of the plan. The next presidential election year, the region that held the first position would move to the end of the sequence, and the other regions would move forward.

• Iowa and New Hampshire would retain their leading positions in the presidential selection process based upon their tradition of encouraging retail politics.

• Primaries/caucuses in each state of a given region would be scheduled on or soon after the first Tuesday in March, April, May or June of presidential election years.

Regional Groupings Under the NASS Plan

East: Connecticut, Delaware, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, Vermont, West Virginia and the District of Columbia.

South: Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Virginia, Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands.

Midwest: Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, North Dakota, Ohio, South Dakota and Wisconsin.

West: Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Hawaii, Idaho, Montana, Nevada, New Mexico, Oregon, Utah, Washington, Wyoming and Guam.

Your poll awaits.

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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Random Thoughts From An Idiot

>> Internal Clinton campaign polling data---intercepted by C&J while using sensitive DHS monitoring equipment---shows a 95%-5% blowout for the New York senator in Pennsylvania today. If she fails to meet this threshold it could be the knockout blow to her campaign.

>> If you're driving from one end of of Pennsylvania to the other, it feels like it takes twenty years to complete the journey. For this perfectly valid reason, having nothing to do with my natural superiority as an Ohio native, I roll my eyes at Pennsylvania and all Pennsylvanians except Daniel Boone and Jonathan Frakes.

>> Today is Earth Day. Approximately twenty million trees will be harvested to print the same message of conservation in newspapers, magazines, pamphlets, catalogues, inserts and handbills that I can deliver here in three words: stop wasting stuff. I'll reinforce this message later today by skywriting it using 30,000 pounds of colored chlorofluorocarbons.

>> Red Bull!!! Red Bull Red Bull Red Bull Red Bull! I just drank a Red Bull! Red Bull for President!

>> If one candidate smears another, and the smearee objects to the smear, then both candidates are equally guilty of smearing each other. I learned this from watching TV.

>> The pundits who complain the loudest about elitism tend to have the most beautiful summer homes.

>> And if a small child ever asks you the meaning of the bad word John McCain used to insult his wife in public, simply say: "That's the special place where babies come from." Then use candy to change the subject.

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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

On the campaign trail

With the Pennsylvania primary (mercifully) mere hours away, a reminder of what the candidates are enduring, compliments of America: The Book...

Do you like babies? How about veterans? Can you feign interest in old people---and smile while touching them? How are you with handshaking? Back-slapping? Palm-greasing? How do you feel about saying the same thing over and over again? Bus travel? Do you like being vilified on television? What about in print? Your spouse and children---do they enjoy being followed around, maybe having their backgrounds looked into? Chicken---can you stomach copious quantities of it in sterile auditorium-like environments? Finally, do you like all those things enough to put up with them every day for the remainder of your professional life? If you answered "yes" to every one of those questions, congratulations!!! You’re ready to enter the political arena.

And from Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway:

The problem is that, to become the president, you have to run for president, which in the past few decades has become a brutally degrading experience involving unspeakable depths of pandering and sucking around for votes and money. It's a great big Suck-a-Thon, is what it is. No dignified person would voluntarily submit to it; the people who do submit to it are usually defective to begin with, and come out of the process moderately deranged, if not actively insane. One of these years we're going to elect a president whose first official act will be to launch nuclear strikes against Iowa and New Hampshire. And you wouldn't blame him, if you saw what presidential candidates go through.

But at least the rewards are worth it:

"Being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm. There's nothing to do but to stand there and take it."   ---Lyndon Johnson

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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Fortune cookie say: Late Night Snark come your way...

"The first hour of last night's debate was a 60-minute master class in questions that elevate out-of context remarks and trivial, insipid miscues into subjects of national discourse...which is my job! Stop doing my job!"
---Jon Stewart
-
"Pope Benedict the Sixteenth made his first trip to America today. President Bush told the Pope that he’s prayed every single day since he became president. Hey, since Bush has become president, we have all prayed every single day."
---Jay Leno
-
"Between gasoline prices and the mortgage foreclosures, people are hurting. And you know who finally noticed this? John McCain. He changed his position on people losing their homes, from his original, 'Drop Dead,' to a new policy called 'Go Fuck Yourself Plus.'"
---Bill Maher
-
"According to his tax return, last year Vice President Cheney donated over $166,000 to charity. Most of the money went to Cheney’s favorite holiday charity: Coal for Tots."
---Conan O'Brien
-
"Doesn't elite mean 'good?' Is that not something we're looking for in a president anymore? ... I know elite is a bad word in politics. You want to go bowling and throw back a few beers. But the job you're applying for---if you get it and it goes well---they might carve your head into a mountain. If you don't actually think you're better than us, then what the fuck are you doing? ... [N]ot only do I want an elite president, I want someone who is embarrassingly superior to me."
---Jon Stewart
-
"A former Pentagon official said this week that before the start of the war in Iraq, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld gave the Bush administration a list of 'Horribles,' things he believed could go wrong, which the Bush administration apparently mistook for a to-do list."
---Amy Poehler
-

Weekend: the final frontier. These are the continuing voyages of the starship Cheers and Jeers. Its ongoing mission: to boldly pander every Friday to the west-coasters and their massive galaxy of wealth. [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Magic Pony Management

This is leadership:

"I am announcing a new national goal: to stop the growth of U.S. greenhouse gas emissions by 2025," Bush said during a speech at the White House Rose Garden Wednesday.  Bush did not, however, propose specific legislation requiring reductions in greenhouse gas emissions.  Instead he offered a broad goal of reducing the growth of greenhouse gas emissions specifically coming from utility companies and electric power plants by 2025.

To achieve this broad goal, the president announced the formation of an emissions-control task force that will make it happen without any pesky regulations. The team:

Lee Hamilton and Tom Kean
Harry Potter
Jeannie
Gandalf
Steve Austin & Jaime Sommers
Glinda the Good Witch
The Tooth Fairy
The Justice League of America
E.T.
Merlin
Samantha Stevens
David Blaine
Tinkerbell
Santa Claus
Obi Wan Kenobi
...and about 40,000 Oompa Loompas

Good luck. We're all counting on you.

Cheers and Jeers, including debate recap, starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Oh!  More Things I Know...

Every time a pundit says "maverick," they get 50 cents deposited in a special bank account. Chris Matthews' current balance is two million dollars.

Hillary Clinton wins Pennsylvania by 45 points. And then her alarm clock goes off.

Most people suck at bowling and don’t really give a crap if they bowl well or not as long as there's burgers and beer.

From now on, ordering orange juice at a diner will be punishable by a $50 fine. A second offense will result in jail time.

George Bush and Dick Cheney would never be waterboarded. Mainly because they'd spill the beans long before it got to that stage.

Aluminum foil speaks to me. It whispers, "Chew on meeee... Chew on meeee..." And I cannot resist.

The traditional media pundits did a spectacularly poor job predicting the fallout from "Bitter/Cling." Shortly, they will all get raises.

Whoever becomes the next president will continue to ban photos of coffins coming home from Iraq.

American Airlines promised to come pick up the MD-80 nose cone that landed in our yard Saturday, but now they say they're too busy. It's like they're trying to lose my business.

Liberals don’t want to "smother" corporations with regulations. We just want enough oversight so corporations can't keep fucking us over and over and over.

If you have the ability to loan yourself five million dollars, you have no right to criticize someone else of elitism.

If you endorsed Joe Lieberman in '06 you have no right to criticize someone else of poor judgment.

Over the weekend I dipped a nacho chip in some nacho cheese and it came out as a perfect silhouette of the Virgin Mary. I call it Nacho Mary and it's yours for only $10,000.

Dirigibles are poised to make a comeback.

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Last night, around 7...

"Okay, everybody take your seats. Welcome to Elitist Presidents Anonymous. Let's start by going around the circle. Please introduce yourself and tell us why you're here. We'll start with you, sir, in the general's uniform."
"My name is George and I'm an elitist president."
"Hi, George!"
"I wore knee stockings, was highly refined, owned a large plantation, and when my troops were out in the freezing cold at Valley Forge, I stayed in a comfortable house with a warm fire."
"Very good. Welcome. Next..."
"My name is Franklin and I am an elitist president."
"Hi, Franklin!"
"I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, went to the finest schools, enjoyed summering on Campobello Island, and had more money than I knew what to do with."
"Nice to see you. Next..."
"My name is also George. I'm an elitist president, too."
"Hi, George!"
"Grew up over yonder there in Greenwich. Went to Yale. Skull & Bones man all the way. Used my dad's connections to make my fortune. Hobnobbed with the Washington insiders and never did figure out that supermarket scanner thing. Too complicated. Now I spend my summers at the family compound in Kennebunkport, surrounded by security. Gotta keep out the riffraff. Oh, and I raised an elitist son who also became an elitist president. He'd be here tonight but he's in the meeting next door."
"Blue-Blooded Elitists Posing As Red-Blooded Texans Anonymous?"
"That's the one."

Let the healing begin.

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]