From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

If...

You don't know how to use the internet, you don't know that Czechoslovakia is no longer a country, you don't know Sunni from Shia, you don’t know much about the economy, you're uninformed about women's health issues, you don't know whether you're for or against gay adoption, stem cell research or setting a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq, you don't know what countries share a border with Pakistan, you don't know when the surge began, you no longer object to waterboarding or closing Guantanamo, you don't tell the truth about your votes on veterans issues, you said Putin was the leader of Germany, you think alternative energy means switching from regular to premium, you say you know how to win wars but you haven't actually won any, your idea of a funny joke is suggesting different ways to kill people in other countries, you want to keep giving tax breaks to the wealthy but not the middle and lower class, you confuse Somalia with Sudan, you thought voting for the Iraq war was an exercise in good judgment, you once said "I disagree with what the majority of Americans want," you think Social Security is "a disgrace," your idea of health care is apparently 'take more vitamins,' you voted to support Bush's policies 95 percent of the time last year and 100 percent of the time this year, and over the course of a single week you unfairly attacked both your opponent's patriotism and his humanity...

Then tell me again, Senator McCain: why should Americans vote for you?

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Pop Quiz: Political History

Question 1: In a piece of CBS interview footage left on the cutting room floor, John McCain erroneously said that it's "just a matter of history" that the surge created the Anbar Awakening in Iraq. In making the gaffe McCain emulated which U.S. president more than the others?

a) William Howard Taft
b) George W. Bush
c) Richard Nixon
d) Franklin Pierce

Question 2: Barack Obama flies several thousand miles to visit U.S. troops in Iraq, Kuwait and Afghanistan, where he is greeted with wild cheers. At the same time, John McCain is driven by former President George H.W. Bush several hundred feet in a golf cart to hobnob with rich Republicans in Kennebunkport, where he is greeted with polite applause. A senior strategist from which party greeted the contrasting photo ops with, "We're fucked"?

a) The Republican party
b) The Democratic party
c) The Libertarian party

Question 3: John McCain has gone on the record as being both for and against stem cell research. What is his actual position?

a) For stem cell research
b) Against stem cell research
c) All of the above

Question 4: In the sentence, "The McCain campaign called America a 'nation of whiners' and John McCain violated security rules by revealing when Barack Obama would be flying to Iraq and the Iraqi prime minister approved of Barack Obama's withdrawal plan for Iraq," what part of speech is the word "and"?

a) Noun
b) Verb
c) 9/11
d) Conjunction

Question 5: In terms of internet usage, when does John McCain say he'll master the process of "getting on myself"?

a) A week
b) A month
c) Fairly soon
d) Never

Question 6: For how long did John McCain pause in a confused panic before trying to answer a question about insurance coverage for Viagra versus insurance coverage for birth control?

a) Nine seconds
b) Three seconds
c) Five seconds
d) One second

Question 7: How many times has Senator Jack Reed or Senator Chuck Hagel had to whisper a correction in Barack Obama's ear because he embarrassed America by saying something ignorant and false?

a) One
b) Zero
c) Six

Question 8: Who horrified medical professionals when he made a pledge in a major televised speech to "deliver bottled hot water to dehydrated babies"?

a) Jack Kevorkian
b) Barack Obama
c) John McCain
d) Emeril Lagasse

Question 9: How many reporters greeted John McCain when he flew into Manchester, New Hampshire Monday night?

a) 1
b) 4
c) 10
d) 13

 Question 10: Who exercised sound judgment in October, 2002 with this remark: "I don't oppose all wars. And I know that in this crowd today, there is no shortage of patriots, or of patriotism. What I am opposed to is a dumb war. What I am opposed to is a rash war. A war based not on reason but on passion, not on principle but on politics."

a) Trent Lott
b) Barack Obama
c) Joe Lieberman
d) John McCain

-

Answers: 1. b  2. a  3. c  4. d  5. c  6. a  7. b  8. c  9. a  10. b

Next week: fractions!

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

I have nothing to say about Netroots Nation. Except...

The event was insanely well-organized and orderly, especially the anarchy workshop.

Austin was hot. An oppressive, prickly, stifling, blast-furnace heat that turned human hair into glass. But at least the humidity was in check.

In my swag bag I received a condom with a note on the wrapper that said, "Protect the U.S. Constitution." I wasn't aware that the founding fathers wrote it on a penis.

If we can ever figure out how to turn sweat into fuel, Al Gore will be able to power the planet for at least the next thirty years.

Lining the walls in the rotunda of the state capitol are portraits of former Texas governors. Ann Richards' portrait sits next to George W. Bush's. If I was in charge I'd put yellow police "CRIME SCENE: DO NOT CROSS" tape between them.

Political views aside, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom looks and sounds like he could be Joe Biden's baby brother.

The boxed lunches had names like "The Norwegian" and "The Wellington," but there was nothing labeled "The American." I guess they couldn't round up enough transfats in time.

Ninety percent of the discussions were "Chomsky this" and "Chomsky that" and "Chomsky's my BFF 4evuh." Not a word about our real hero, Jane Fonda.

If Code Pink's goal is to prevent people from wanting to join Code Pink, they're succeeding.

One of the horse-and-carriage drivers on 6th Street confirmed that liberals tip much better than conservatives. Picking up a Republican by the Governor's mansion virtually guarantees no bonus carrots for Bossie.

John Dean can catch flies with a pair of chopsticks. Richard Clarke can stop your heartbeat with his index finger. Paul Krugman has the nicest toes of any New York Times columnist. Don Siegelman is always the classiest guy in any room unless Jotter's there. Darcy Burner and Donna Edwards must be cloned forthwith. And if you meet Jim Hightower and don’t want to pinch his cheeks you're not human.

There was a right-wing "counter-conference" in Austin at the same time as Netroots Nation. It sucked so bad that Bob Barr came to our place instead and even Michelle Malkin closed her laptop and spent an afternoon pole dancing.

All the front-pagers are taller and sexier in person. Their eyes, however, are a bit distracting. Not just because they glow, but because they emit a low buzzing sound.

I promised a link to the site that sells the waving Obama watches so you wouldn’t steal mine off my wrist. Fair enough---here ya go.

The only person at the whole convention to actually pull my finger was Pastor Dan's five year-old son, Billy, so he wins the secret million dollar jackpot!

Travel tip: The shorter an airline pilot's turbulence message is, the worse the turbulence will be. If he turns on the Fasten Seat Belt sign and simply says, "Flight attendants take your seats," it would be a good time to put your affairs in order.

And finally, Patrick Beach of the Austin American-Statesman is so bad at snark that his parenthetical should be I-Suck.

What'd I miss around here? Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Well, the time is almost upon us.  We need to start thinking about C&J for 2008-09, which begins in October.  It's a crucial conversation.  How can the Obama administration expect to accomplish anything if plans aren't in place to provide the moral discontinuity of C&J?

I have an idea.  (Now's your time to escape.)

From the Collinsville Bureau of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

How is your day going, folks?  It's good to be back in the Master of Snarkimonies chair, if but for one day.  I can't participate in Cheers and Jeers like I used to, so I'm glad to be here, and I'm glad all of you are here!  Welcome back to all of our NN attendees, and for those of us who missed it this year, there is the hope of participating next year.  Those of you that are back, I hope you'll share some reminiscing with us.  It sounded like a great event this year.

I'll be back with my own column on September 5th, meantime..... Cue the theme music!  Cheers and Jeers MONDAY begins (Swoosh!) right now! (Clank.)

Ladies and gentlemen (ok ok ok Ladies and Guys)-
I know many of you have been feeling badly because the "uncool kids" the true nerds among us are in Austin having a huge nerd party and for various reasons, we the cool kids couldn't make it...but that's ok!  Below the fold you will find all of the good things about NOT attending Netroots Nation in Austin

It was a lovely evening here in Austin, Texas, when some thirty-odd (and I do mean odd) kossacks wandered away from the air-conditioned comfort of the Hilton Hotel in search of food, fun, laughs, and yes, a lot of Cheer.

From the GREAT STATE OF NEW HAMPSHIRE

Good Morning Irregulars!

So, here we sit...we have been (cue the eerie music) LEFT BEHIND!  Alas, we must not be pure enough or good enough moonbats because we did not get Raptured Ruptured flown/bussed/trained/automobiled, like our friends, to the Progressive Heaven nirvana Vallhalla Netroots Nation in Austin, Texas. We will have to worship the Great Orange Satan from afar. So, put on your finest pout, draw a large "L" on your forehead, pour yourself a Rum and Coke or whatever sounds good and join me for some frolicking in the kiddie pool!




CHEERS AND JEERS starts in There's Moreville....(SWOOSH!)RIGHTNOW (GONG!!)

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Funny?

Michael Shaw is "a Clinical Psychologist; an analyst of visual journalism; an interpreter of political images; and publisher of the political blog BAGnewsNotes."  Yesterday he offered some insight on why the latest New Yorker cover landed with such a clunk, including: "To give us an appreciation, or a sense of outrage, or even a poke at any truth this picture might contain...the illustration has to take us outside or beyond the manifest content here, and then show it to us again through a different window---be that a different context or a different point of view."

As it happens, the New Yorker kerfuffle comes at an opportune time for Shaw:

In my "ObamaPhobia" presentation at Netroots Nation next Saturday, I aim to show how various campaign images in the traditional media echo more extreme right-wing hate imagery---conveying Obama as a man with a covert, anti-American agenda, or a deliberate and calculated mastermind, or a closet Muslim and Islamic Manchurian candidate. In hitting the trifecta here, many will argue this illustration is simply a satiric representation of the sophomoric attacks being tossed at Obama from far right field.

If that's all there was to it, though, than why do I sense Rove is chortling tonight?

In the meantime, I keep revisiting the cover and asking myself, 'Why aren’t I hearing rimshots in my head? Why is there nothing on the page that feels like a trigger for a punchline? How come it doesn't say to me, In yer FACE, smear merchants?'

I think it's because there are too many people (including members of my partner's own family, not to mention twelve percent of the U.S. population at large) who will look at that illustration and say, "Yup...that's Osama, er, Obama. They sure nailed him---and his crazy wife, too."

In other words, there's nothing in that illustration to niggle at the conscience of the right-wingers who believe this crap. Instead it's an image they can---yet again---email to all their friends and neighbors and co-workers as a "cautionary tale" of what they believe will happen when Barack Obama moves in to the White House. It doesn't throw a wrench into their gears, it greases them. ("Look! Even The New Yorker gets it!") If it was truly satire (or parody or whatever), there would be something in the pic that would make them not want to pass it around.

Let me put it this way: when the McCain campaign calls it tasteless and offensive, you know Republicans are slapping their knees raw, having been handed another gift---this time courtesy of a liberal magazine---that'll just keep on giving.

Ha. Ha.

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

The Guns of Billo Are Silent

One year ago this week, Bill O'Reilly unleashed a load of diaper pudding against DailyKos, our upcoming convention in Chicago, and a convention sponsor.

Ever the pillar of journalistic integrity, O'Reilly cherry-picked a few Kossack comments that hadn’t quite been troll-rated out of existence yet, and then took a six-month-old diary completely out of context to brand Daily Kos "a vicious far-left Web site," "one of the worst examples of hatred America has to offer," and all of us as "hate mongers." (Never mind that billoreilly.com contained hateful smear comments like this and this and this and this that were allowed to fester on his un-moderated site.  Some comments were so threatening that a writer at Huffington Post called in the Secret Service to investigate.

O'Reilly ended his July 16 Talking Points Memo with, "This isn't an ideological issue. If the company was sponsoring a David Duke convention, we'd do the same story. Hate is hate, no matter where it comes from."

Moments later he issued the coup de grace, telling guest Diane Brady of Business Week:

"This is hate of the worst order. It's like the Ku Klux Klan. It's like the Nazi party. There's no difference here!"

Bill O'Reilly had, out of the blue, declared war on us. It was like Christmas, Easter, Hannukah, Halloween, July 4th and our collective birthdays all rolled into one and smothered in gravy.

His tirades continued for two weeks to our great amusement (and thanks for the bump in traffic, Bill).  Then on Friday, July 27---six days before the convention, O'Reilly promised to drive "the final nail" into our coffin, "...but it is disturbing so be forewarned." The following Monday he revealed a "shocking" photo that caused even his hard-core viewers to bust a gut. This was his attempt to get the presidential candidates to drop out of attending Yearly Kos '07 and destroy the Great Orange Satan once and for all:

"I'm now going to show you a picture that was posted on the Kos website for almost a year. The picture is very offensive and you might want to change the channel right now. I'm only going to show this picture once, but it is necessary to demonstrate what kind of haters these Kos people are and why no politician should ever legitimize them." ...

[Click here if you dare]

"Finally, a word to the Democrats, who will speak at the Kos convention. That is a huge mistake. ... Associating with haters is not going to bring you credibility, and voters will not forget. And that's the 'Memo.'"

Immediately following what appeared to be his first brush with Photoshop, O'Reilly tried to pin down convention-goer Senator Chris Dodd...and got the tar kicked out of him.

Later, after our convention had proven to be a huge success, Stephen Colbert stepped into the fray to put it all in perspective:

Bill O'Reilly clip: [Daily Kos is] like the Ku Klux Klan. It's like the Nazi party.
Stephen Colbert: Exactly! The Ku Klux Klan and the Nazis were both notorious for allowing people to express unpopular views in an open and free forum.

Markos appeared on the show as Colbert demonstrated how comments work in bloggerland:

Colbert: Nation, I recently went undercover as a Daily Kos blogger, registering under the discreet name of "notstephencolbert". Now I’m going to log onto my account right now and expose just how hateful this website truly is. [Colbert types into his laptop] Hungarians are dirty ghoulies who wash in peanut oil. Heil health care!

And...post!

Now let’s see what’s on Daily Kos today ... Oh my God! Hungarians are dirty ghoulies! I can't read this on the air! This is unforgivable! Let’s get this straight to this---what do you have against the Hungarian people?

Markos: It’s called an open forum, it’s called democracy, and sometimes some idiots get on there and write things on Hungarians.

Alas, things are different this year. As we prepare for the Netroots Nation convention in Austin, Bill O'Reilly's mighty guns are silent. Apparently fighting a gaggle of bloggers who possess the combined evil of the Nazis and the KKK and the Hungarian ghoulies and even Al Capone and Benito Mussolini was too much for the most-watched host on cable news, his millions of followers, and the bottomless resources of his giant national TV network.

But I have to admit: Billo's tush looks kinda sexy when he's running away.

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Late Night Snark...with 100% Humidity

"President Bush is now in Japan for the big G-8 summit, which is going on right now. The G-8 Summit is where the world's top economies get together. The bad news: we are no longer one of them. I wouldn't say the U.S. economy is doing bad, but you know how Bush got to Japan? Southwest."
---Jay Leno
-
"On Fox News, Jesse Jackson was caught saying he wants to cut Barack Obama’s nuts off. This marks the nicest thing ever said about Barack Obama on Fox News."
---Conan O'Brien
-
"In a 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court overturned Washington, DC's ban on handguns! Finally, the residents of Washington, DC have the right to defend themselves---from each other, one assumes. Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia said, 'It is not the role of this court to pronounce the Second Amendment extinct.' He is right. Killing the Constitution is the president's job. The court's job is to overturn elections."
---Stephen Colbert
-
"Well, you know, Barack Obama, he's started a fashion craze in Italy. Italian designers have taken his look, and they're turning it into fashion. It's an amazing thing. But don't sell John McCain short. He's also influencing fashion. He has popularized the 'something on your chin' look."
---David Letterman
-

And the headline of the week: Bush addresses the Italian prime minister in Spanish: "Amigo! Amigo!"

Hey, America! When you're thinking about which candidate to vote for in November, remember: Republicans invented the punch clock, Democrats invented the weekend. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Dear Troops in Iraq and That Other Place,

Hi! How are you? Staying busy, we hope, and close to an air conditioner! It's hot here, too---don’t get us started, ha ha! Thank god for popsicles, eh?

We have some bad news, I'm afraid. As you may have heard, things aren’t very rosy here stateside. So we're sorry to report that we've collectively decided that the wars of freedom you're fighting over there have been bumped down a notch--or two--on our national list of problems and priorities. :(

Now, before you start feeling sorry for yourselves, let us explain why you're no longer our top priority. You see, we're hurting at the moment. Hurting pretty bad. It's tough to know where to start. The real estate market sucks, gas prices are forcing us to cut back on vacations, our 401(k)s are battered, we're losing our jobs and things are getting more expensive. As much as we know that shopping is the best way to fight terrorism, it's just getting harder to plunk down the plastic at Macy's. There's just "too much month left over at the end of the money," ha ha.

Thank goodness you're over there and don’t have to experience what we're going through over here. You still get to drive your Hummers---we're all selling our SUVs for pennies on the dollar and squeezing into Priuses. We wonder if you can even grasp the magnitude of our discomfort. If you do, then no doubt you're stomping your feet and yelling (as we are): "God dammit! Stop the insanity!" Some of us have even had to start riding bicycles again or doing that thing where you stand up and put one foot in front of the other.  (Warking? Wooking? Something like that.)

So please forgive us for turning our attention away from you men and women in uniform, but we've got our own problems here in the States. Don’t get us wrong, though. You're still doing a terrific job, and we promise to get back to you just as soon as our lives become a little more comfortable and cozy. We hear it could be as soon as 2010.

Huzzah to y'all, and if there's anything you can do to help us out with our struggles, please let your CO know. (Care packages stuffed with corn-based food products, salmonella-free tomatoes and some of the billions of dollars that Viceroy Bremer "lost" when he was in charge would be helpful, but all suggestions are welcome.)

Big hugs,

We The People
1/7th of whom can locate where you are on a map

P.S. You can also help us out big time by holding charity petroleum drives over there. We need oil and LOTS OF IT. Just stop what you’re doing this instant, start scooping up the crude with your helmets, and send it over in those big supply planes. For the love of God and Country, do it now. We NEED THE PRECIOUS JUICE!

P.P.S. Aunt Gladys is pregnant again.

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

A Century of VEEK-tory

One hundred years in Iraq would be "fine with me," said John McCain in January, "as long as Americans aren't being injured or harmed or wounded or killed." He said it so casually that you'd have thought his daughter had just asked if she could borrow the car keys. ("Yes, dear, as long as you're back by 10, re-fill the tank and promise you won't go over 25.")

If you listen to the warhawky cheerleaders, the "surge" is working miracles and violence is way down in Iraq. But 210 soldiers have still managed to lose their lives over there so far in 2008---this supposed Year of Kumbayah---and over 1,200 have been wounded. It's still extremely dangerous, and not even caped crusaders McCain, Graham and Lieberman could walk down a single street outside the Green Zone without body armor and a swarm of troops to protect them. (That's a TV reality show I'd tune in to watch: "Tonight on NBC! An all-new episode of So You're a Republican Senator and You Think You Can Walk To A Baghdad Market Alone?)

But it's a pointless debate. McCain is "fine" with us being in Iraq for a hundred years whether we're getting blown up there or not, or even whether the Iraqis want us there or not (he knows what's good for 'em better than they do). So, to give you a little perspective on what 100 years actually feels like, let's pretend we invaded in 1903 instead of 2003. This is what we'd be looking back on as we marked our, um, "Victory Centennial":

Music was played on wax cylinders
Boston beat Pittsburgh in the first World Series
Ford Motor Company was founded (The Model 'A' cost $850)
Teddy Roosevelt was president and the Teddy bear was introduced
The Teamsters Union was formed
The Wright Brothers made their first flight at Kitty Hawk
A teacher made an average of $358 a year
The Pulitzer Prizes were handed out for the first time
A loaf of bread was a nickel and a pound of coffee was 13 cents
Federal spending totaled $0.52 billion
Bob Hope, George Orwell and Lou Gehrig were born (John McCain's 96 year-old mom wasn't even a gleam in her pappy's eye yet).
Pope Leo XIII died.

I wonder what will folks say about us when they look back a century in the year 2103. I'm thinking it'll sound something like, "Og! Og!!" I'm almost positive that's not a compliment.

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

"First Choice"

That's the name of a political TV ad starring John McCain. Powerful stuff:

"America is under attack by depraved enemies who oppose our every interest and hate every value we hold dear.

It is the great test of our generation and he has led with great moral clarity and firm resolve. He has not wavered, he has not flinched from the hard choices, he was determined and remains determined to make this world a better, safer, freer place.  He deserves not only our support but our admiration."

It even ends with a hug.

You really should watch it. It's a textbook example of how to position a candidate with judgment. As in, very very very very very poor judgment.

Oh look, a maverick balloon!  [POP!!!]

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF NEW HAMPSHIRE

Good Morning Irregulars!  I was able to wrest the keys to the kiddie pool away from Bill, so we're just about ready to open.  Management has asked me please to review pool rules with you.


   

Kiddie Pool Rules

* No person may use the pool unless it is officially open.

* All instructions given by the lifeguards are to be followed.

* 3 whistles = everyone must clear the pool and get naked.

* No running allowed, but you may skip.

* Running, pushing, causing undue disturbance,is strongly encouraged.

* Children are forbidden.

* Flotation devices will be permitted, especially obscene ones.

* Proper swimming attire must not be worn.

* Improper public displays of affection and profanity are encouraged.

* Enjoy your day at the pool!

CHEERS AND JEERS starts in There's Moreville....(SWOOSH!)RIGHTNOW (GONG!!)

From the MASSACHUSETTS-ANNEXED FRONTIER TERRITORY OF MAINE...

The Declaration of Independence: Brittle Parchment of Liberty

If you are going to sever ties to your Commonwealth through bloody struggle, it is considered polite to write down why. Nobody wants to get three years into a revolution only to realize the whole thing was a Three’s Company-esque misunderstanding. The Declaration of Independence was the laundry list of grievances stating America’s case for freedom. Its accusations against the King ranged from egregious ("He has plundered our seas, burnt our towns and ravaged the lives of our people") to the trifling ("Sometimes when he sees us at a party he acts like he doesn’t know us"). But proud men would not take up arms against the Crown solely because the King had "erected a multitude of new offices." The authors of the Declaration knew they would also have to appeal to man’s higher nature, to stir men’s souls. They needed something with some zazz. Enter a hot-shot tobacco executive from Virginia, Thomas Jefferson.

His task would be to synthesize the unique brand message of America down to something that would captivate the hard to reach "12-28 ragtag militia" demographic, all the while not offending traditional "Butterchurn Moms." His first attempt at a Preamble was:

-
AMERICA. A is for All the tea they taxed. M is for the Minutemen they shellaxed..."
-

It tested poorly. But his rewrite would be win-win:

-
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."
-

In a scant 35 words, Jefferson had given the nation the kind of positive brand identity that tendered moot the issue of whether or not we had to live up to its ideals. Still, knowing the inherent contradiction between their noble words and the reality of a slave-owning nation, Jefferson and the Founders wisely decided to strike from the Declaration of Independence the phrase "or your money back."

---From America (The Book): A Citizen’s Guide to Democracy Inaction

Happy 232nd Birthday, America, We The People luv ya.  Cheers and Jeers starts in the Commonwealth of There's Moreville... [Washington's sword: Swoosh!!]  RIGHTNOW!  [Liberty Bell: Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Dear Bill: Is there a method to winning a political argument online?  S.L., South Bend

Dear S.L.:  Try this:

You always You never You should You must You shouldn't You mustn't. Why can't you Why don’t you Why aren't you Why didn’t you How could you? You suck You blow You lie You have no idea. You ignoramus You jerk You Ass You partisan hack. You're lying You're cheating You're distorting You're asking for it. You're out of your mind You’re out of your league You’re out of your tree You're out of your gourd. You’re off your rocker You're off your meds You're off the reservation. You're wrong You're stupid You're ignorant You're mental You're full of shit. You're an automaton You're a bomb-thrower You’re a water carrier You're a Kool Aid drinker You're a hack You're a loser You're a prick. You've got blinders on You've got no sense You've got spittle on your chin You've got your head up your ass. You disgust me You repulse me You disappoint me You make me want to puke. You’re talking in circles You're talking in riddles You’re talking in gibberish You're talking trash You're talking like a two year old. You can go to hell You can kiss my ass You can leave You can take your shit to another blog. I'm warning you I'm telling you I'm advising you I'm this close to troll-rating you. I'm sick of your crap I'm sick of your attitude I'm sick of your comments I'm sick of your emails I'm sick of your purity. Mine's better, smarter, faster, more organized, more effective and more experienced than yours, whatever it is. I say so I know so I was there I heard it from the horse's mouth I saw it on the internet I found it on Wikipedia I have a friend who took a class I got it from Fox News I read a press release from my congressman. Knock it off Cut it out Get a clue Do your homework. Clearly you don’t  understand Clearly you don’t listen Clearly you don’t get it Clearly you haven’t tried it Clearly you weren't old enough at the time Clearly you're out of touch Clearly you're running around with the wrong crowd Clearly you want us to lose. One more word One more peep One more comment One more outburst One more syllable and you'll regret it. Don’t give me that attitude Don’t play that card Don’t change the subject Don't act so surprised Don’t be so stupid. Go to hell Go pound sand Go back to your mommy Go screw yourself Go to Little Green Footballs. I'm sick of you I loathe you I hope you get what's coming to you, crybaby.

And then add: "With all due respect." Bingo---you win.

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Me of Little Faith

Don’t let the title fool you.  Comedian Lewis Black comes off as curious and open-minded about religion and spirituality (including eyebrow-raising brushes with psychics and miracles) in his new book, which debuted in the top 10 on the New York Times bestseller list and has hovered there for three weeks. But he also isn't afraid to call bullshit when he sees it.

Noting the recent glut of pro- and anti-religion bestsellers, Black says he wrote Me of Little Faith "Because I think [religion] is taken too seriously, and anything that takes itself too seriously is open to ridicule." At the same time, it's "a book about my own relationship with religion, where my---dare I say it?---spiritual journey has taken me." Over the course of 237 pages, Black spouts off about Jews, Christians, Mormons, televangelists, the Amish, the rapture, creationism, reincarnation, and Heaven...which may or may not be a golf course. And yes, the F-word is used liberally throughout, because "it's not really a word to me, it's a comma."

He also targets religion in politics, including this:

I have never given a shit what religion the president is. He could worship a can of peas for all I care. I just want him to be good at what we elected him to do, which is to lead the United States of America. ...

Of course, if the president is going to be really religious, it would be nice to know that up front, before we elect him. For instance, it would have been helpful to know that Bush the Younger was going to view himself as God's hammer. That's the kind of information I consider important.

I guess the lesson we learned with this administration---or at least that some of us have learned---is to watch when the son of a bitch keeps blowing the religious horn. Maybe we could have convinced him he would have been happier as a preacher instead of the leader of the free world.

I know I would have been.

It's a quick, funny read that makes ya think. And if you don’t buy it you may not get into Heaven.

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