Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY!

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Coming Attractions

Productions with a political bent:

Now Playing: Standard Operating Procedure
Cast: The guards of Abu Ghraib
Bush, Cheney, Tenet, Ashcroft and many other former and present administration hacks should have their eyes propped open with toothpicks and be forced to watch this twenty times in a row. Oscar-winning documentarian Errol Morris interviews several of the Abu Ghraib prison guards, and reveals even more photos. As a nation, we're still asking ourselves how and why this could happen. This movie helps get us a little closer to the truth.
Trailer
Reviews

May 23: War, Inc.
Cast: John Cusack, Joan Cusack, Marisa Tomei, Hilary Duff, Ben Kingsley.
Co-written, co-produced and starring fellow Kossack John Cusack. A political satire set in the country of Turaqistan, which is occupied by a private American corporation run by a former U.S. vice president (Dan Aykroyd channeling Cheney). Oh, and some chick puts a scorpion down her pants. What's that all about, John?  
Official site

May 25: Recount (HBO)
Cast:  Kevin Spacey, John Hurt, Tom Wilkinson, Laura Dern, Denis Leary.

"How hard is it to punch a paper ballot?"
"It's pretty hard when you're 80-something years old, you're arthritic and you’re blind as a bat."

I can't wait for this HBO movie, directed by Jay Roach ("Austin Powers," "Meet the Parents"), about the stolen 2000 election. And here's why: Laura Dern's deliriously loopy performance as Florida Secretary of State Katherine "I cannot accept returns after the deadline unless there's a hurricane" Harris.
Trailer
Official site

August 1: Swing Vote
Cast: Kevin Costner, Dennis Hopper, Nathan Lane, Kelsey Grammer, Chris Matthews and a bunch of other cable news pundits in cameos.
This could either be cute in the "Dave" mold...or deadly dull like "Man of the Year." Kevin Costner is in "Field of Dreams" mode as an aging loser who, because of a Diebold machine glitch, ends up with the tie-breaking vote in a presidential election. Candidates Hopper and Grammer court his vote, and I'm sure everyone learns valuable lessons about life and democracy and yadda yadda yadda.
Trailer

Now Playing on Broadway: Thurgood
Cast: Lawrence Fishburne as Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall
Variety says: "A few minutes into Thurgood and he's got the audience eating right out of his hand. While that image may serve to describe the star power of Laurence Fishburne, it applies just as well to the late Thurgood Marshall, the subject of this one-man show penned by George Stevens Jr. The first black justice of the Supreme Court was the kind of character you can really take into your heart." Four words for Stevens, Jr. and Fishburne: Make it a movie!
Full review.

Late Summer---We Were This Close
Michael Moore talks with Larry King about his upcoming doc:

Larry King: You'll be putting out a new documentary about the 2004 election---the working title is We Were This Close---around the Time of the National political conventions.

Michael Moore: A lot of people are nervous now.  Could McCain win?  Look at what's happening to Democrats. We're only one state shy...one red state shy. It's Ohio or Florida. ... I want people to remember that we had these arenas every night, 15,000 people would show up. It was incredible. You actually could see the early beginnings of this massive movement now that's behind Obama. It's only going to continue to get bigger. I think that's a very positive thing for the country.

We'll post more info as it becomes available.

2009: W Get a load of George W. Bush (Josh Brolin) in Oliver Stone's 2009 biopic of Chimpy. He looks creeoy, he looks calculating, and he looks constipated. I like where this is heading. (And I'm ROTFLMAO knowing that Rob Corddry is playing that weasel Ari Fleischer. Perfect!)
More cast info here

Oh, and don’t make any weekend plans. I need you to come in and do inventory. Deal with it. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 9, 2008

Note:  If I were a superdelegate I'd give my vote to the first candidate who bought me a bacon double cheeseburger with fries, the way my stomach's growling.  Hence the reason I'm not a superdelegate.

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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: 13
Days 'til Independence Day: 56
U.S. Catholic school enrollment in the early 1960s: 5.2 million
Enrollment today: 2.3 million
(Source: USA Today via The Week)
Number of extra hours of housework per week performed by married women in the U.S., compared with single women: 7
Number of extra hours of housework per week that single men do, compared with married men: 1
(Source: TIME)
Percent of Americans who think testicular fortitude is a synonym for genital warts: 42%

And from the Department of Hopeless Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,250
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0

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"Pup" Pic of the Day:  C'mon, they don’t always have to be canines, do they?

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CHEERS to John Edwards.  Oopsie: "I just voted for him Tuesday."  Thanks for terminating the suspense, buddy.

CHEERS to Hillary Clinton.  I'd forgotten that she'd hopped aboard the Obama bandwagon not too long ago:

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton said emphatically Wednesday night that Sen. Barack Obama can win the White House this fall, undercutting her efforts to deny him the nomination by suggesting he would lead the party to defeat.

"Yes, yes, yes," she said when pressed about Obama's electability.

Our party is healed!  Everyone pile in the van, we're goin' to Applebee's to celebrate with wings and rings! (Um...as soon as I find the keys---[sigh]---'round about May 20th.)

JEERS to mistaken identity.  What's the old saying about some things being too good to be true?  Last night headlines screamed: VICTORY!  IRAQI TROOPS CAPTURE THE LEADER OF AL QAEDA IN IRAQ! BUSH POPULARITY EXPECTED TO SOAR INTO 70s!  But as is often the case, the Iraqi military leaders---who claim to have captured Abu Ayyub al-Masri twice and killed him three times---were a little off.  Today's headline:  Al Qaeda in Iraq Leader Not Captured.  But it wasn't a total loss.  The guy they did catch, Il Ibrahim Massad---aka "The Plop Plop Kid"---was wanted in six provinces for breaking into peoples' homes and leaving floaties in their toilets.  With this guy behind bars, Bush's popularity may soar all the way to 30.

CHEERS to ol' Whats'ername.  So what's Mom worth these days? As it turns out, plenty:

For the past eight years, Salary.com has calculated mothers' market value by studying pay for tasks such as child care and housekeeping.  This year's stay-at-home mom figure is $116,805 per year, while the working mom figure is $68,405.

So why don't we actually pay them for their toil?  Because they'd just plop the money into a tax-free "Mommy Account" in the Cayman Islands and use it to build a giant army with which to take over the world.  But my point is: Mother's Day is Sunday.  I dare ya to forget.

CHEERS to the lighted disco ball at the end of the tunnel.  We're a little late with this one, but anyway: the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Mike Mullen, said at West Point Sunday that if "our civilian elected leaders" decide to lift the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, it'll be fine with the brass if gays start serving openly.  As with so many lengthy struggles fueled by fear and ignorance, this one will end quietly, with the silent waving of a white flag and everyone wondering what all the fuss was about in the first place.  Surrender accepted, Admiral.  Now please hand me your sword.  Thank you, sir.  (eBay's gonna shit when this gets posted!)

P.S. Sunday night the fundies will be wetting their drawers as ABC's Brothers & Sisters airs "the first same-sex union on American network TV between series regulars."  But no need to worry about God unleashing hurricanes or tornadoes as punishment for such moral depravity---she'll be totally glued to the finale of Survivor: Micronesia.

CHEERS to The Huffington Post.  Three years ago today Arianna and Co. unveiled a celebrity-dotted blog, which Michelle Malkin greeted thusly:

Face it: Many of us will go to the site and crane our necks to see who’s making an ass of himself in Huffington’s virtual living room, who’s passed out in the powder room, who’s plotting in the library, and who’s kissy-kissing in the foyer.  Much of the time it will be stultifyingly boring, but some of us will keep going back in hopes that we’ll get to see Walter Cronkite trip or Ellen DeGeneres belch or Maggie Gyllenhall start dancing on the blog table in a drunken stupor.

Heh...no jealousy subtext there.  Anyway, today the Post has become an almost overwhelming circus of news, snark, commentary and celebrity gossip.  Not that we're complaining, Ma'am.  Now please...put down the pink taser.

JEERS to HELLO URGENT MESSAGE KIND MADAM PLEASE RLPY V&i*GR#A HOT SEXY LOVER NEED ASSISTANCE!!  Oh joy---this month marks the 30th anniversary of spam.  Here's how it started back in 1978:

[Gary] Thuerk was a salesman for Digital Equipment Corp. He managed to connect a computer to the Arpanet---what the Internet was called at the time.  On May 1, 1978, he sent a message advertising a new computer to 393 users on the Arpanet. ...

"This was a flagrant violation of the use of Arpanet as the network is to be used for official U.S. Government business only," wrote Maj. Raymond Czahor, then chief of Arpanet management branch with the U.S. Defense Communications Agency. "Appropriate action is being taken to preclude its occurrence again."

Today 85 percent of all email traffic is spam.  And once in awhile one the originators gets caught and tossed in the joint.  If there's any justice, he'll be crammed in a cell with all those chatty members of the Nigerian royal family.

CHEERS to one less Bush in the world.  Jenna Bush---the one who's still mulling over whether to vote for John McCain or Barack Obama---officially becomes Mrs. Henry Hager tomorrow in Crawford.  The president's gift to the happy couple: a massive slab of Texas limestone in the shape of a cross.  It'll occupy a very special place in the Hager home.  The attic.

CHEERS to Ol' Leatherface.  Mike Wallace, adding a 90th candle to his birthday cake today, is still going for the jugular on '60 Minutes.'  When I'm that old, my biggest accomplishment will be making it to the bathroom on time.

JEERS to sputtering to the finish line.  Hate to break it to those who had their hopes pinned on a big victory, but this thing is outta gas.  It's got four flat tires.  It's blown a head gasket.  It's driven into a ditch.  It's failed inspection.  It's ridden its last mile.  It's ready for the scrapheap.  Hillary Clinton's campaign?  No.  Speed Racer.  In 13 days, unlike this wipeout, moviegoers will get some real thrills...at Indy.

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One Year Ago in C&J: May 9, 2007...

JEERS to wings (and flaps and landing gear, etc.) left behind.  The Air Force's top gun says our nation's warplanes are falling apart.  After all the billions and billions of dollars we pour into our military, this is what we get:

Gen. Ronald Keys, who leads the Air Combat Command, points to cracked wings on A-10 attack planes and frayed electrical cables on U-2 spy planes.  Compared to 1996, the Air Force now spends 87% more on maintenance for a warplane fleet that is less ready to fly, Air Force records show. ...

"I don't want to write a letter, or have my successor write a letter, 'Dear Mr. and Mrs. Smith, your son or daughter are dead because the wing fell off on takeoff.  We knew it was going to fall off, we just didn't know when.'"

Which, when you think about it, is a perfect analogy for the whole damn war.

JEERS to towns left behind.  After a category F-5 tornado demolished Greensburg, Kansas, the National Guard was of little help because so much of its manpower and equipment was tied up overseas in You-know-wheraq.  Which means they'll have to rely on FEMA.  Also known as the world's only category F-6 tornado.

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And just one more...

CHEERS to sneaky moves.  Barack Obama had it all.  More states!  More popular votes!  More pledged delegates!  Even more superdelegates!  Yes, the skinny guy with the funny name had the nomination in the bag.  That is, until a former senator from Alaska tried to woo his biggest admirer!!!  After that, it was...okay, it was still in the bag.  Nice try, Gravel.

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Have a great weekend.  For fun, walk up to the first nun you see and yell, "Mama! I knew one day I would find you!"  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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