Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY!

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Little-known fact: late-night snark was invented by Edison. Wow.

"MSNBC is reporting that the Department of Homeland Security is asking boaters to be on the lookout for terrorists in small boats trying to detonate a nuclear bomb.  Fifteen billion dollars a year for Homeland Security and all they can do is come up with three drunks on a Wave Runner?"
---Jay Leno
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"David Blaine today broke the world record for holding his breath, on Oprah---17 minutes, four seconds. Blaine has now frozen himself, he's starved himself, he's gone without sleep for weeks, and deprived himself of oxygen. Today, Dick Cheney said, 'See, it's not torture. It's magic.'"
---Jimmy Kimmel
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"Earlier today, Chinese officials held a ceremony to announce that it's exactly one hundred days until the summer Olympics, and they’re working hard to clean up Beijing’s pollution. Unfortunately, they had to cut the ceremony short because the air caught on fire."
---Conan O'Brien
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"There is one man who has a solution [to gas prices]. John McCain...presented his proposal. He says that over the summer we should have a 'Gas Tax Holiday.' For summer drivers, the 18-cent-a-gallon federal gas tax---he wants that lifted over the summer. Or as it used to be called, 'Grandpa is giving you $5.'"
---Bill Maher
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Bill O'Reilly clip: What kind of judgment allows a sitting senator to attend a church that radical? Why is Barack Obama continuing to go to that church?
Sean Hannity clip: He stayed in the church for 20 years. I just don’t know how you could sit there for 20 years.  Let's say he went to the church ten years and then left the church. I think people would've said, 'All right, he was showing better judgment.'
Stephen Colbert:  Exactly! When you see or hear things that are bad or going on in your church, you get up and you walk out. That's what Catholics like me and Papa Bear and Sean Hannity understand. You leave that church!! Unless it's, y'know, widespread decades-long rumors of sexual abuse. In that case you gotta give it time. ... The point is, all any Catholic pundits and Catholic politicians who may be criticizing Obama are saying is: Do as we say, not as we didn’t!
---The Colbert Report

By the way, I'm suing Kos Media, LLC for the cost of one bent maypole. It was [sniff] my granddaddy's and you people BROKE it!

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 2, 2008

Note:  Because of high levels of fecal coliform bacteria, the C&J Happy Fun Lagoon will be closed this weekend.  Somebody---[coughMcMomcough]---apparently didn't fasten her daughter's diaper securely enough.  We regret the inconvenience.  Please note that the Pin the Lawn Dart on the Republican's Ass competition will take place as scheduled.

---Mgt.

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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the 134th Kentucky Derby: 1
Days 'til Atlantic hurricane season starts: 30
Amount the military is paying for fuel in oil-rich Iraq: $3.23 per gallon
Monthly fuel cost in Iraq for the U.S. military: $153 million
(Source: AP)
Percent by which the poorest 20% of Americans' income has fallen since the late 1990s: 2.5%
Percent by which the richest 20% of Americans' income has risen in the same period: 9%
(Source: CNNmoney.com via The Week)
Rank of "god," "buckethead" and "satan" among the top Google searches beginning with "Who is...": 1, 6, 10
(Source: Harper's Index)

And from the Department of Hopeless Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,243
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0

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Puppy Pic of the Day: "Give us this day our daily Waaaaah...???"

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CHEERS to living 10,000 miles from D.C.  The residents of Guam will be out in full force tomorrow caucusing their hearts out:

[V]oters from 21 villages will report to 16 island polling sites in an intra-party election that is already showing early signs of shattering local-election turnout rates that commonly hover around 80%.  According to Rena Borja, delegate hopeful and state director for Hillary Clinton on Guam, the village of Inarajan, the only municipality to conduct its Democratic caucus vote last Saturday (due to pending preparations for its annual fiesta), numbers at the tiny polling site surged nearly 30% over and above the average turnout.

At stake: four pledged delegates (in addition to 5 superdelegates).  Afterwards, the pundits will pore over the results and figure out what it all means to the Clinton and Obama campaigns.  You might say they'll be...chewing Guam.

JEERS to tackling your own teammates.  Lemme tell ya something, Billy Clinton.  I stood out in a blizzard for two hours in February to participate in my state's caucus.  My vote counts, as do all the votes of people across the country who participated (or will be participating) in their caucuses.  So when you stand up on a stage and spew crap like this...

"And what are they gonna say if [Hillary] wins the popular vote [at the end of the primary season]?  'I'm sorry, we're gonna give it to the caucus states that are going Republican in November?'"

...it's dishonest, defeatist, disrespectful, and utter donkey dung.  I was hoping, as time wore on, that I'd regret my votes for Ross Perot in '92 and '96.  This doesn’t help, sir.  And while I have your attention: please return my lawnmower.

P.S. Wednesday Hillary said, "If we had the Republican rules, I would already be the nominee."  And if wishes were ponies I'd be a millionaire glue-factory owner.  What's yer point?

JEERS to itchy 'Recommend' fingers.  This morning a diary flew up to the top of the Daily Kos rec list because it contained a You Tube clip (taken from the excellent movie The War Room) of a Hillary supporter who didn't say something that people thought he said.  Seems the Great Orange Satan got Roved.  The blog will be closed tonight between 1 and 2am for a thorough disinfecting with Lysol.  Enjoy the fresh pine scent.

CHEERS to the shining city on a swamp hill.  Happy 206th Birthday tomorrow to Washington, D.C., incorporated May 3, 1802.  (These old maps are cool.)  I was going to send everyone who lives there a gift basket of taxation with representation, but Congress says it can’t deliver on weekends (or Monday through Friday).  So instead I'm sending you a lovely Lincoln Memorial paperweight.  Squeeze it---it squeaks!

JEERS to the odd couple.  Michael Moore was on Larry King Barely Alive Wednesday night, and no comedy writer alive could top this exchange:

"Personally, and I have nothing to back this up, I don't think bin Laden is hiding in some cave in Pakistan or Afghanistan.  This guy's a multi-millionaire..."
"Where is he?"
"I don't know where he is, but..."
"If he's not hiding in a cave, where is he?"
"You ever known a multi-millionaire to hide in a cave?  Would you live in a cave for six years, Larry?"
"No.  I'd go to Vegas."

Ba dum bum.  Thank yew and goodnight!

CHEERS to crack police work (or is that police-on-crack work?)  Guess what, kids?  Nelson Mandela is on the United States' terrorist watch list.  I always thought he looked shifty.  He blinked too much.

JEERS to pure blather.  George Bush, who sleeps in the White House but whom no one considers the leader of the country anymore, gave a press conference this week and scolded Congress for not eating enough of his bullshit on domestic spying:

"I am---I believe that they're letting the American people down, is what I believe.  On the FISA issue, it is hard to believe that it's okay to pass the Bamboozle Protect America Act in August of 2007, and that act---people in Congress can't---don't believe that act is relevant in 2008.  I mean, the act was set to expire; it did; and yet this threat hasn't gone away.  And I can only---it's either lack of leadership or a lack of understanding of the issue, and either way, it's not good for the country.  We need to make sure our professionals have the tools to protect the American people from attack."

Uh huh.  Right.  Meanwhile it says here that the FISA court---using a tried-and-true procedure approved in 1978---had no trouble approving 2,370 warrants for domestic eavesdropping last year, a nine percent increase from 2006.  As usual, Bush is simply clamoring for phone company immunity so he can cover up his illegal spying activities.  Says Atrios: "Watching Bush speak you realize he's a really dumb person who thinks everyone in the room is even dumber than he is."  Hear that, Senator Rockefeller?

CHEERS to the mane event.  In tomorrow's Kentucky Derby, Hillary Clinton is putting her money on Eight Bells.  Barack Obama seems to be backing Colonel John.  And John McCain is rooting for whichever horse supports bombing Iran.

CHEERS to #32.  Eleven years ago today, a national memorial honoring Franklin D. Roosevelt officially opened in Washington, D.C., making FDR only the fourth president to get such VIP treatment.  Bush will be lucky if he gets a doggie poop-bag dispenser named after him.

JEERS to Quagmire 101.  Earlier this week in C&J I asked: with its imminent demise having been predicted for a couple years already, how will we know when the U.S. military is actually "broken?"  Unfortunately, I think I know the answer: when soldiers start getting killed while on their seventh fucking tour of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan.  The Pentagon Going-out-of-Business sale starts tomorrow at 6am.  Get there early so you can snatch up the cream of the Howitzers.

CHEERS to thinking small (via Kossack Phil N DeBlanc).  I've spent a good chunk of my life holding my breath to keep my brush steady as I painted the eyeballs of miniature model soldiers.  So I can relate to what Willard Wigan goes through to create these amazing miniatures on the heads of pins and in the eyes of fishhooks.  By the way, the material he uses to make his microscopic creations?  Republican ideas.

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One Year Ago in C&J: May 2, 2007...

JEERS to screwing your friends.  How inept is this administration?  So inept that it couldn’t even figure out how to accept Katrina aid from other countries:

Allies offered $854 million in cash and in oil that was to be sold for cash. But only $40 million has been used so far for disaster victims or reconstruction, according to U.S. officials and contractors. Most of the aid went uncollected, including $400 million worth of oil. Some offers were withdrawn or redirected to private groups such as the Red Cross. The rest has been delayed by red tape and bureaucratic limits on how it can be spent.

Let me repeat that: the party of big money and big oil couldn’t figure out how to accept free money and free oil.  My only guess is they were chewing bubble gum at the same time.

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And just one more...

JEERS to one 3am phone call too many.  C&J cannot and will not approve this message.  It's very unfair.  To coin-operated coffee machine manufacturers.  (I smell a vast right-wing soda machine conspiracy...)

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Oh, and today is International Tuba Day.  It blows.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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