Cheers and Jeers for Monday, April 28, 2008
Note: Due to the rice shortage all weddings have been cancelled until further notice. Except the gay ones.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Memorial Day: 28
Days 'til the general election: 190
Percent of U.S. kids who complete secondary school: 75%
Percent of Russian kids who do: 87%
Percent of German kids who do: 99%
(Source: The Boston Globe via The Week)
Number of pink Tasers purchased last year: 2,560
(Source: Harper's Index)
Number of Tim Russert blow-up sex dolls sold in the last ten years: 0
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Your Monday Texan As A Second Language Lesson
Brought to you by the 2008 Netroots Nation Convention in Austin July 17-21:
"Some folks look at me and see a certain swagger, which in Texas is called walking."
---George W. Bush
(Translation: I'm drunk again.)
Say this phrase three times out loud before you go to bed and you'll be fluent in Texan in no time!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Playtime
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CHEERS to the Wright stuff. Dr. Reverend Jeremiah Wright spent an hour with Bill Moyers on PBS Friday night. (The AP's Rachel Zoll covers it nicely here.) There were a number of things about the program that made clear it wasn't being aired on a cable or network news show:
>> It was impartial
>> It was in-depth
>> It was cordial
>> It provided background info about Wright and the principles that guide his faith
>> It put Wright's controversial comments in perspective
>> The host didn’t interrupt every five seconds
>> Pat Buchanan wasn't hauled in to provide "balance"
>> It was virtually ignored by the cable and network news shows, and when it was mentioned it was in a negative, concern-troll context ("Obama doesn’t need this now!")
Most of all, it proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the traditional lazy media have been complicit in an unfounded smear campaign against not only an accomplished, good-hearted American patriot, but his thousands of salt-of-the-earth parishioners in Chicago. And they wonder why they have less credibility than used-car hucksters.
P.S. The press will surely try to spin it otherwise, but last night Dr. Reverend Wright hit another home run, this time at the Detroit NAACP dinner. His message: "Different doesn't mean deficient." Shocking!
JEERS to the wrong stuff. When the North Carolina Republick party released a despicable and misleading ad featuring Pastor Wright, the traditional media had a choice: they could recognize it for the sleaze it was and ignore it...or they could stoop to tabloid standards and help give the slime a long, national shelf life. Naturally they chose poorly:
Beginning on the afternoon of April 23, MSNBC, Fox News, and CNN aired a controversial ad by the North Carolina Republican Party attacking Sen. Barack Obama and two Democratic gubernatorial candidates at least 22 times combined, in most cases also noting that Sen. John McCain denounced the ad. As media figures on MSNBC and CNN pointed out, the repeated broadcasts benefit the North Carolina Republican Party, which does not have to pay for them, and they presumably benefit McCain, even as he is credited with taking the high road for criticizing the ad.
Meanwhile, meet the North Carolina Republican racist hag who told John McCain to go fuck himself. Bin Laden must be rolling around in his cave right now laughing himself silly.
CHEERS to the write stuff (via Kossack Frankenoid). From our email in-box: Author Stephen King doesn't often get involved in politics, but...
...I believe there is a great deal at stake in this year’s election. It is my pleasure to announce two very special events in Bangor, Maine on June 7th to benefit my friend Congressman Tom Allen’s campaign for the U.S. Senate.
Authors Tess Gerritsen, John Grisham, and I will be attending a special cocktail reception at the Bangor Civic Center. Immediately following that, we will be reading our favorite passages of some of the stories we have written---in front of what we’re sure will be a great audience at the Bangor Auditorium.
In 2002, Tom Allen courageously stood up to the President and to members of his own party by voting against the Iraq War. He supports opportunity for the middle class, energy independence, and affordable health care. Electing Tom Allen to the U.S. Senate is an important step towards change for our country, and we are proud to support him.
I hope you’ll join us on June 7th. Click here to purchase tickets now. We look forward to seeing you there!
Maine is #7 on Kos's list of most competitive Senate races. At the same time, Susan Collins has used her secret bamboozle rays to dupe a big chunk of this state into thinking she's Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. Attending this event---or making a straight donation---will help the Allen campaign position her as the Bush/Lieberman/Alito/Iraq-loving opportunist she is. (How hard was it to avoid the temptation of making a Cujo reference? Very.)
CHEERS to the green stuff! Yay! Free money!!! Thanks to loans granted to the U.S. by China, our "stimulus" checks will start arriving in the mail today. Our suggestion for how to spend it: smokes, liquor, porn and scratch-tickets. Heh...just kidding. Do the responsible thing: buy shit on eBay. (But stay away from the Buddhas with clocks in their bellies---them's ours.)
CHEERS to the riveting stuff. A couple weeks ago, when Pope Not-John-Paul-II-But-He'll-Do went to Ground Zero, C&J got to wondering how the construction of the new skyscraper (I've stopped calling it the "Freedom Tower" because it smacks too much of the post-9/11 Ashcroft/Rumsfeld/Cheney propaganda machine) was coming along. I guess the best way to describe it is slow and steady. But I still say having a thatched roof is a baaad idea.
JEERS to head-in-the-sand stuff. For the umpteenth time, new data shows that "abstinence-only" education---which the Bush administration has poured over a billion of your tax dollars into---Does...Not...Work. Republicans want to keep funding it because they'd rather the nation go broke than admit they leave their brains in a jar on the dresser before they go to work (see also Iraq War, The). Democrats, like Rep. Henry Waxman, want to start funding a comprehensive sex-ed program, which "can delay sex, protect teens from disease, and result in fewer teen pregnancies." Tough call.
CHEERS to the cold stuff. Chlorofluorocarbon lovers rejoice! The air conditioner was patented 94 years ago today. Sadly, it made the front porch obsolete and started the anti-social phenomenon known as `cocooning.' But do you want to spend another summer without it?
CHEERS to the cold stiff. Happy 250th birthday to "#5" James Monroe. He creeped people out by wearing revolution-era clothes and a wig at a time when doing so was way out of style. He also told Europe and Russia to keep their paws off the west and then sucked up to the AARP by snagging Florida. And then this (From Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O'Brien):
Secretary of the Treasury William Crawford once came calling on the president with a stack of patronage recommendations, all of which Monroe rejected. Enraged, Crawford threw a temper tantrum and demanded to know whom Monroe intended to appoint; the president replied it was none of Crawford's damn business. Crawford snapped and actually advanced on the chief executive with his cane raised, calling Monroe a "damned infernal old scoundrel." Monroe then stepped to the fireplace, seized a pair of fire tongs, and chased his secretary of the treasury from the Executive Mansion.
Some call it "The night Monroe went mad." Laura Bush calls it "Weeknights with George."
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One Year Ago in C&J: April 28, 2007...
CHEERS to round one. Quickie thoughts on the first debate of the Democratic primary season:
Best answer of the night: Joe Biden ("Yes.")
Most likely to yell at kids to get off his lawn: Mike Gravel
The "Who Am I and What Am I Doing In This Giant Spaceship?" disorientation award: Bill Richardson
Most...Staccato...De...livery...Award: Barack O...bama
Winner of the Hillary vs. Barack Contest: Hillary
Most blue-collar looking: Chris Dodd
Worst Brian Williams question: "Tell me all of the reasons why you suck, including why you suck in your career, family, and spiritual life. You each have five minutes, and if you stop listing all the reasons you suck before your time is up you’ll be Tasered by Tucker Carlson."
Boy Becomes A Man Award: John Edwards
Most Kucinich-like performance: Gravel
Top-tier winner: Edwards
Middle-tier winner: Biden
Bottom-tier winner: Gravel
Amount of time anyone will remember this debate: What debate?
[4/28/08 Update: So, it's one year later. Everyone having fun???]
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And just one more...
CHEERS to "perfect" stuff. Last week C&J dissed bamboo because there's a species of it next to our garage that grows six feet a day and eats cats and small children. The email we got from a C&J reader in response was brief: "I'm not paying you $5 a month for you to diss bamboo. Click link, read text and atone!" So, okay...we click link:
[B]amboo is the perfect plant. Bamboo sequesters carbon dioxide at far higher rates than an equivalent stand of trees and releases up to three times the amount of oxygen. ... Not only do the hairy plants capture carbon, they "collect dust and dirt out of the air and make the rain fall more gently on the ground," says Gib Cooper, a nurseryman in Gold Beach, Ore., and executive director of Bamboo of the Americas, a conservation-action organization. ... With tensile strength up to 52,000 pounds per square inch, bamboo is stronger than most steel, yet its fibers can be spun into a silky cloth blessed by natural antimicrobials. ... Unlike cotton, bamboo doesn't require pesticides to flourish. It needs modest amounts of water to thrive---some species rise a foot a day during growing season---and its root system can help stabilize hillsides and prevent erosion.
Okay, that's impressive. To atone, we aim to drive to the nursery and get some bamboo sprouts for a'plantin'. Just as soon as we figure out where our Honda Civic disappeared to after we parked it next to the garage.
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Oh, and today is Saddam Hussein's 71st birthday. How touching---a bag of Doritos will be laid at the foot of his tomb. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Ocean critters to Cheers and Jeers: You slobs are killing us!!
---CNN
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