Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY!

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Last weekend we picked up three of Jack Handy's Deep Thoughts books.  While he avoids the political (after all, the thoughts are deep), we found some striking parallels to certain people and issues of the day...

The Environment:  People need to realize that every time they talk about how "fragile" our planet is, it's just like asking outer space aliens to come invade us.

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Health Care:  The next time you go to the doctor, go ahead and bring in a stool sample.  They might need it.  Better go ahead and bring some for the dentist, too.

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Donald Rumsfeld's military: I think that a hat that has a little cannon that fires then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.

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Sex Education:  I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex.  He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you."  So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.

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Christian Values:  I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.

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Evolution:  It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.

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International Diplomacy:  In some countries, what I did would be considered polite, especially Fartland.

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Another weekend already???  Gosh, these things come around way too fast.  Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!]  RIGHTNOW!  [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 11, 2005

Note:  Mr. Peanut isn't Mr. Peanut's real name.  But "Francis Legume" just wasn't payin' the bills.

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By the Numbers:
Days `til Thanksgiving: 13
Days `til "The Rapture": Between 1 and 10 billion, but not 4
Number of military veterans in the U.S.: 24.5 million
Number of veterans who are women: 1.7 million
Number of veterans who are 65 or older: 6.5 million
(Source: The upcoming Statistical Abstract of the United States: 2006)
Number of World War I veterans still living: Around 50
(Source: AP)
Days the federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,367
Days spent at terror alert level Green or Blue: 0

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Your Puppy Pic of the Day:  "I think we need a bigger apartment."

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CHEERS to our men and women in uniform.  Today is Veterans' Day.  And while we could go on and on about how our armed forces have been kicking ass for over 225 years (in yer face, Cornwallis!), we'll leave it at a simple..."Thank You."

JEERS to Screwing Private Ryan.  What is with Republicans these days?  They just can not for the life of them get past whatever burr is up their butt:

A proposal to end the long-standing practice of veterans groups addressing a joint session of the House and Senate Veterans' Affairs Committees is an insult to all who have fought, sacrificed and died to defend the Constitution, according to the Disabled American Veterans (DAV). And in a strongly worded letter to House Veterans' Affairs Committee Chairman Steve Buyer (R-Ind.), the DAV has urged him to continue the joint hearings as an invaluable tool in formulating public policy toward America's veterans.
Chairman Buyer recently announced that veterans service organizations will no longer have the opportunity to present testimony before a joint hearing of the House and Senate Veterans' Affairs Committees.

"The tradition of legislative presentations by veterans service organizations dates back to at least the 1950s. And the timing of this announcement---just before Veterans Day---could not have been worse," said DAV National Commander Paul W. Jackson.

See, that's the problem.  The GOP is trying to take us back to the 1850s so, in their mind, you guys just don't exist.  Welcome to the club.

CHEERS and "Alki!" to the Evergreen State.  Washington was admitted as the 42nd state 116 years ago.  Today we nosh on an apple in your honor.  If only we could decide on which kind.

CHEERS to universal disdain.  Matching other polls, new Fox News numbers have President Bush at 36 percent approval.  Only 72% of Republicans and---get this---26% of independents support him.  Worse yet: 4-out-of-5 dogs say they'd pee on his bed.  Not good.

P.S.  New AP-Ipsos poll out this morning.  37% preznidential approval...and 57% believe the administration is cheating on its ethics tests.  Don't they expel high school kids for less than that?

CHEERS to GOP gridlock.  Y'know what the party of personal responsibility reminds me of these days?  One of those little cars at the circus that stops in the center ring as a dozen clowns in oversized squeaky shoes jump out and start honking horns and bumping into each other.  The latest: they can't even pass a measly budget even though it follows their time-honored blueprint of screwing the poor.  We can't wait for their encore...

JEERS to slinkin' around.  What does it say about an administration when, almost three years after "major combat operations" have ended against a country we invaded, our leaders---like, oh, say, the Secretary of State--still can't ride their chariots down George W. Bush Avenue in the conquered land?  To paraphrase Howard Dean:  You cannot trust Republicans with your wars.

CHEERS to purring across the Atlantic.  Looky looky at what our city council officially approved Monday night: a li'l ferry called `The Cat' that skims across the water at 55 miles per hour on its way to Nova Scotia.  It's return trip to the USA is much slower...at the request of the passengers.

CHEERS to Senator Barbara Boxer of California.  Today is the scrappy Democrat's 65th birthday.  And since Senator Brownback of---where else---Kansas has revived the constitutional amendment outlawing marriage equality, this seems particularly apt:

We know no document is perfect, but when we amend the Constitution, it would be to expand rights, not to take away rights from decent, loyal Americans. This great Constitution of ours should never be used to make a group of Americans permanent second-class citizens.

Right on.  Oh, and, uh...sorry about cramming your cake in a FedEx envelope.  It was all we had.

CHEERS to The Greatest.  While presenting a Medal of Freedom to a dozen notables, President Bush appeared to get Rope-A-Doped by Muhammad Ali.  And I swear I saw Carol Burnett kick him in the shins.

JEERS to the chill in the air.  How cold is it in Maine this morning?  Colder than a witches tit in a brass bra face down in a snowstorm.  A great day for some steaming hot clam chowder.  Not to eat...to soak our toes in.

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One Year Ago in C&J: November 11, 2004...

JEERS to Alberto Gonzales.  Bush's choice to replace John Ashcroft.  He's a typical cold-hearted conservative Friend of Bush who approves of torture and tried to save Enron's ass, so we say ixnay on the ominationnay.  Oh...he's Hispanic?  So sorry...we didn't mean to stand in the way of diversity.

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And just one more...

CHEERS to a job well done.  Well, fellow Kossacks, this has been a great week for Democrats and a terrible (and, on many levels, bizarre) week for Republicans.  There's much left to be done.  But for now let's all just stop what we're doing and enjoy the fruits of our labor:

Farting Preacher 5!!!!!!!

Now go forth and make a joyful noise of your own.

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Have a great weekend!  Floor's open.  What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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