Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday
Wed May 07, 2008 at 05:53:12 AM PDT
From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Yesterday I learned that...
>> The race is over. For the sake of unity, Hillary and Barack will be co-presidents. Blueprints for a second White House will be revealed shortly and we'll need another Air Force One plus a backup. Cheney insists he'll remain vice president because he now transcends the reach of the United States government.
>> The primary season has caused my liver to swell to the size of a gopher, but it assures me it will carry me through to the August Democratic convention. This is important because I need to see if they get the balloon drop right this year.
>> Troubling: 99.9 percent of Indianiacs and North Carolinistas don’t wear flag lapel pins. Average bowling score among all residents in the two states: Wow...37.
>> Defying all laws of nature, physics and common sense, Chris Matthews would actually be more fun to have over for dinner than Keith Olbermann.
>> A thought that was not going through a single Republican's mind as they voted in yesterday's primaries: "John McCain! Yeaaah...He's the MAN!" (It was more like, "Okay, I'm done. Gimme my goddam 'I Voted' sticker and lemme outta here.")
>> A gas policy that I think everyone would get behind is free gas for everyone.
>> 89 percent of the autographs Barack or Hillary signs will end up on eBay. This presents a minor challenge for people who got them to sign various body parts. 75 percent of all autographs signed by John McCain will be used to forge checks.
>> At 11am yesterday, the Huffington Post's top headline, in 24-point type, read:
a href=http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/04/03/north-carolina-primary-ne_n_94961.html>Huge Turnout In Both States...
Ha Ha! Is their editor Arianna...or Errianna???
>> I'm a brat.
Hey, West Virginia: Tag, you're it! Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Note: This is a test of the Emergency Blogcast System. If this were an actual emergency, we'd be panic-binging on Cocoa Puffs, Oreos and Häagen Dazs.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the West Virginia primary: 6
Days 'til summer: 45
Number of homicides that involved guns in 2006: 10,177
Percent of those that the FBI classified as "justifiable": 1.9%
(Source: Atlanta Journal-Constitution via The Week)
Minimum number of personal records compromised in security breaches last year: 126,000,000
(Source: Harper's Index)
Percent of Americans who say they have the best lawn on the block: 29%
(Source: Consumer Reports Research Center via USA Today)
Number of annoying Republicans buried under C&J's lawn: 3
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 169 (including 1 Obama victory in North Carolina and a threesome doing the famous Kama Sutra maneuver known as "The 169"). Soul Protection Factor 20 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Once the proper authorities were notified, the drunken joyride came to an abrupt halt.
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CHEERS to Big 'D' democracy. While Republicans mostly sat on the sidelines picking their noses (and 25 percent of the GOP voters who did turn out voted for someone besides McCain---that's gotta sting a bit), Democrats showed up in droves yesterday to vote in the Indiana and North Carolina primaries. Hillary squeaked by in the former 51%-49%, Barack met the most optimistic predictions in the latter 56%-42%. But the biggest winner of all was....Uhhhhhmurica! Free red, white and blue popsicles for everyone today, courtesy of the DNC! (I'm sure Howard won't mind that I borrowed his credit card...)
JEERS to screwing your sisters. The Supreme Court---which seats 5 Catholics on its mighty bench---recently ruled that voters need to present a valid photo ID before they can vote. And right on schedule, shit happened. Yesterday a bunch of patriotic 80- and 90-something Catholic nuns braved arthritis, bursitis and high blood pressure to cast their ballots in Indiana. But instead of being welcomed, they got turned away, presumably because their habits and crucifixes and nylons made them look like devious illegal immigrants trying to STEAL AMERICA'S SOUL!!!
"One came down this morning, and she was 98, and she said, 'I don't want to go [get a photo ID],'" Sister McGuire said. Some showed up with outdated passports. None of them drives.
They weren't given provisional ballots because it would be impossible to get them to a motor vehicle branch and back in the 10-day time frame allotted by the law, Sister McGuire said. "You have to remember that some of these ladies don't walk well. They're in wheelchairs or on walkers or electric carts."
I dare say that five members of the Supreme Court are eventually going to find themselves in the "Carrot-Top-Clones-With-Accordions" wing of the hereafter. And guess who will be laughing their asses off from the penthouse suite?
JEERS to playing nicey nice. Okay, Barack, you proved last night that you can---pundits' words, not mine---"close the deal." Congrats. But there are three words you need to learn from the Clinton campaign if you want to beat McCain in November: Offense, Offense, and Offense. Strike first. Rock them back on their heels. Put them on the defense. Start brushfires that they have to put out. Otherwise the exceedingly well-oiled Republican DemShredder will make Hitler look like Clara Barton compared to you. I am hopeful...and worried about you. And if you're wondering: there is no charge for this advice, sir, but I would like a small position in your administration. Something in the office of the Exchequer would be fun, I think. I'll call Michelle. We'll do lunch.
CHEERS and JEERS to Tim Russert. The velvety-voiced pit bull turns 58 today. (Did you know he's from Buffalo? He's from Buffalo, y'know. Go Buffalo! Buffalo! Buffalo!) His colleagues in the beltway press go Oooh and Ahhh whenever he fires a "gotcha" question on Meet the Press that has little relevance to any issue Americans care about. We think it's despicable---well, unless he's doing it to the opposition. Test your knowledge of all things Timmah here. And remember: if it's Sunday morning, it's...time for a nice long walk outside.
CHEERS to a pleasant evening out. Last night we attended our first Drinking Liberally event in Portland. If someone who attended could please email me and let me know what I said and/or did that might require me to pay and/or apologize for, I'd appreciate it. I woke up this morning with glass fragments in my hair and clutching an EXIT sign, but they're not ringin' any bells.
JEERS to vicious (not to mention asinine) circles. Ben Stein is making the rounds, plugging his anti-science documentary called...um...shucks, I already forget the title. Anyway, last week he said that "Love of God and compassion and empathy leads you to a very glorious place, and science leads you to killing people." Funny thing is, believing shit like that leads you to...Ben Stein. Rinse and repeat.
CHEERS to reason #321 why people like Jeremiah Wright have good reason to be pissed. Mildred and Richard Loving lived up to their name: they loved each other, got married in D.C., and lived happily ever after. That is, until they moved to Virginny and then this happened because she was black and her husband was white:
[S]omeone called the law. Caroline County Sheriff R. Garnett Brooks rousted them from their bed at 2 a.m. in July 1958 and told them the District's marriage certificate was no good in Virginia. He took them to jail and charged them with unlawful cohabitation. They pleaded guilty, and Caroline County Circuit Court Judge Leon M. Bazile sentenced them to a year's imprisonment, to be suspended if they left the state for the next 25 years.
"Almighty God created the races white, black, yellow, malay and red, and he placed them on separate continents. And but for the interference with his arrangement there would be no cause for such marriages. The fact that he separated the races shows that he did not intend for the races to mix," Bazile ruled.
Mildred Loving, the "Matriarch of Interracial Marriage," died last Friday. Last year she made one thing perfectly clear:
"I believe all Americans, no matter their race, no matter their sex, no matter their sexual orientation, should have that same freedom to marry. Government has no business imposing some people’s religious beliefs over others."
Please note what's at the end of that: a period.
CHEERS to lime, tangerine, strawberry, blueberry and grape. The rainbow-colored "flavors" of the new iMac were unveiled 10 years ago today. Not to be outdone, PCs now come in a variety of WILD colors, too: beige, black and gray. Or as Apple would call them: Curdled cream, mold and fungus.
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Four Years Ago in C&J: May 7, 2004...
JEERS to the FAA cover-up. An "unidentified" supervisor destroyed a tape made on 9/11 by 6 air traffic controllers who dealt with the hijacked airliners that day. The weasel admitted "by crushing the tape with his hand, cutting it into small pieces and depositing the pieces into trash cans around the building," at the New York Air Route Traffic Control Center. Conspiracy theorists: start your engines. Again.
CHEERS to John Kerry. Says he'll repeal tax cuts on the richest among us to boost teacher pay by $30 billion. When that teacher finds out, she's gonna shit.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to the end of the beginning of the end. By all appearances the Bush regime is going to finish the way it started: with smirks and naps. Dana Milbank has highlights of Magic Monday:
7:58 a.m.: By e-mail, the White House Communications Office sends out its "Morning Update." It lists two events on Bush's schedule for the entire day: a "Social Dinner in Honor of Cinco de Mayo" and, an hour later, post-dinner entertainment. To react to the main news of the day---thousands of deaths from the cyclone in Burma---Bush sends his wife out to make a statement. She criticizes the Burmese government for its failure "to issue a timely warning to citizens in the storm's path" and "to meet its people's basic needs." Reporters, too tactful to draw parallels to New Orleans, quiz her instead about daughter Jenna's wedding, and the names of future grandchildren. "George and Georgia, Georgina, Georgette," the first lady says.
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12:39 p.m.: The White House Briefing Room. On the podium, the understudy to the understudy to the substitute to the understudy to Bush's first White House press secretary is giving a sparsely attended briefing on what he knows about Burma blocking relief efforts ("I am not aware of that report"), about the awarding of the Congressional Gold Medal to a Burmese dissident ("no announcements at this point"), and about word that the Saudi crown prince is dying ("I have not seen those reports"). The news of the day thus dispensed with, the questioning turns to why West Point allows its graduates to play pro football immediately but the Naval Academy does not.
For those of you who are keeping count: 257 days. For those of you who aren't... Heh, who am I kidding?
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Oh, and Tiger Woods: call your attorneys. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
I can see why people who like knowing exactly what to expect---especially children, who are comforted by the familiar---enjoy going to Cheers and Jeers.
---The New York Times
5/4/08
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