Cheers and Jeers: Just Another Boring Tuesday
Tue Apr 22, 2008 at 04:49:26 AM PDT
From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Random Thoughts From An Idiot
>> Internal Clinton campaign polling data---intercepted by C&J while using sensitive DHS monitoring equipment---shows a 95%-5% blowout for the New York senator in Pennsylvania today. If she fails to meet this threshold it could be the knockout blow to her campaign.
>> If you're driving from one end of of Pennsylvania to the other, it feels like it takes twenty years to complete the journey. For this perfectly valid reason, having nothing to do with my natural superiority as an Ohio native, I roll my eyes at Pennsylvania and all Pennsylvanians except Daniel Boone and Jonathan Frakes.
>> Today is Earth Day. Approximately twenty million trees will be harvested to print the same message of conservation in newspapers, magazines, pamphlets, catalogues, inserts and handbills that I can deliver here in three words: stop wasting stuff. I'll reinforce this message later today by skywriting it using 30,000 pounds of colored chlorofluorocarbons.
>> Red Bull!!! Red Bull Red Bull Red Bull Red Bull! I just drank a Red Bull! Red Bull for President!
>> If one candidate smears another, and the smearee objects to the smear, then both candidates are equally guilty of smearing each other. I learned this from watching TV.
>> The pundits who complain the loudest about elitism tend to have the most beautiful summer homes.
>> And if a small child ever asks you the meaning of the bad word John McCain used to insult his wife in public, simply say: "That's the special place where babies come from." Then use candy to change the subject.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Note: [Click] [Squeeeeak...] I just want to wish you Pennsylvanians good luck. We're all counting on you. [ker-SLAM!] [Lock Lock Lock Lock Lock]
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Pennsylvania primary: Merciful God! ZERO!
Days 'til Memorial Day: 34
Span of time that "good" sex should last (not including foreplay...just the humping part): 3-13 minutes
Average length of intercourse: 7 minutes
(Source: The Week)
Median age of Mainers: 41
Number of states with an older median age: 0
(Source: Maine Sunday Telegram)
Number of days this week the C&J household will refrain from flushing in observance of Earth Day: 5
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NEW Tuesday feature!! Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere
The goals of the Democrats and both al Qaeda and al Sadr insurgents are the same: the defeat of the United States in the war in Iraq.
---Michael Reagan
TownHall.com
All together now: One...two...three... Classy!!!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Not-So-Mad Max
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CHEERS to morning math. John McCain said Sunday that a person with whom a candidate is affiliated---like a right-wing pastor whom he counts among his many "my friends"---might sometimes say stupid, hateful things like Catholics are "whores" and gays were responsible for Hurricane Katrina. But that doesn’t mean a candidate should be pilloried over it, nor does it mean the candidate has to sever all ties to that individual. So, using the Symmetric Property we can conclude that:
Media giving John McCain a free pass over Pastor Hagee's inflammatory comments = Media dragging Barack Obama through the mud and then hooking his genitals to a car battery over Pastor Wright's inflammatory comments.
That's why I love math. It's logical.
JEERS to journamalism. An article in Friday's USA Today on the attack that left 50 people dead in Iraq took a little detour into Revisionist Historyland:
The attack showed that militants can still inflict massive casualties despite an overall decline in violence that has prompted the United States to start withdrawing troops.
Sorry. The troops we're taking out have to come out whether violence is up or down. Something about being necessary to avoid breaking the military. We're certain the editor regrets the error. And the horse head we shoved under his sheets.
CHEERS to the...coughcough!... bluish-brown planet. Today is Earth Day, an event we celebrate every year to remind ourselves that we're the biggest parasites on the third rock from the sun. To mark the occasion, President Bush will announce that the government is doing its part. From now on all of the electroshock equipment at Guantanamo will be solar-powered.
JEERS to dishonest rhetoric. A state representative in Colorado had the audacity to call illegal immigrants illiterate peasants. Not until they become full-fledged American citizens, pal!
CHEERS to rabid Republicans scorned. Fifty four years ago today, the Senate Army-McCarthy hearings began. The villain was Ann Coulter's hero, a first-class prick named Joseph McCarthy, for whom it went very badly (and who died three years later from guzzling booze like a Hummer guzzles gas). May Ms. Coulter one day get laughed off the public stage in a similar fashion: "At long last have you left no sense of decency?" I know, I know...when pigs fly.
CHEERS to Glenn Greenwald. For stopping by Sunday to chat with those of us in the orange nattering class. He responded to several comments and the threads are very much worth reading. Here he assures us that our message is being heard (emphasis mine):
I think building an infrastructure...is what we're doing here, why we spend our times gathering on political blogs, formulating strategies and directing anger and activism.
We underestimate the extent of our collective influence sometimes. I was able to meet earlier this week with about 20-25 members of Congress, and several Democratic strategist-types, to discuss my book and the tactics and ideas in it. It was a diverse group -- some progressives, some Blue Dogs, some teetering freshmen, some long-term moderate/cautious types -- and they all hear the intensity and critiques of bloggers and their readers loud and clear, are increasingly realizing that they've been ill-served by the narrow advice they get from the Democratic consulting class, and are more and more receptive to the real value of working with us -- listening to us -- rather than being afraid of us.
The media is the same way. I did a Bloggingheads with Ana Marie Cox recently where she said that when she goes to write an article, she thinks about whether something she wants to write will provoke liberal bloggers and their readers into "ganging up" on her and often censors herself as a result. She said it like it was a bad thing -- a grave loss to journalism -- but I think it's a great thing. That's exactly the effect we want to have and are having. ...
Instead of just spewing reckless and factually dubious assertions, or repeating what she hears from the McCain campaign operatives who are her principal sources, she now instead stops and thinks: "Is what I'm about to write going to provoke outrage and criticism from liberal blogs?"
She thinks twice before writing irresponsible, suppressing things that liberals (rather than just the Right) will find objectionable. I think that's a healthy process. For a long time, establishment journalists thought only about the attacks they might provoke from the Right. Now, there are other considerations they have to examine, and that's a very positive development.
He also let slip that, yep, he'll be on some panels at the Netroots Nation convention in July. There was also something about free lap dances, but that comment seems to have disappeared.
CHEERS to the retro belly laugh of the day. One year ago, on The Chris Matthews Show, Tweety pulled out his spittle-flecked "Matthews Meter" and went to town:
MATTHEWS: [L]ast month, desperate to reclaim the magic of his 2000 campaign, McCain brought the Straight Talk Express out of the mothballs. There it is, the big bus. We put it to the Matthews Meter, 12 of our regular panelists. Can McCain reclaim his old maverick image?
YES---1
NO---11
Well, this is a tough verdict here. It's--basically, you all are saying `It's too late, baby.' And only one thinks he can hold onto the old magic.
Number of times the Matthews Meter panelists have favorably used the "maverick" label to help McCain reclaim his magic since then: approximately two million and six. Meanwhile bloggers are vitriolic and don't splash on the right aftershave. We have much to learn about...things. And stuff.
JEERS to thugs in uniform. Pop quiz! What kind of person does the Pentagon deem to be more worthy of serving their country? Your choices are A) a gay person who obeys the law, or B) a convicted thief, drug abuser or sex offender. If you said B, give yourself an A+:
Data released by a congressional committee shows that the number of soldiers admitted to the Army with felony records jumped from 249 in 2006 to 511 in 2007. And the number of Marines with felonies rose from 208 to 350.
And yet over 2,700 honorably-serving gay people have been kicked out since the war started, including a boatload of Arab linguists. Makes perfect sense.
CHEERS to American Icons. Ninety four years ago today, Babe Ruth played in his first professional baseball game---he pitched (yes, pitched) a shutout against the Buffalo Bisons. If you're a fan of history and you want an instant lump in your throat, click here, and/or here. Amazing...not a steroid in sight.
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One Year Ago in C&J: April 22, 2007...
JEERS to the fear monger in chief. Oh no! It's mid-April and you know what that means? According to George W. Bush, our troops in Iraq have officially run out of food, clothing and ammo! They're completely naked, hungry and surrounded by evildoers and it's all the Democrats' fault!!! Oh wait, never mind---the Pentagon says the President's dire prediction was bullshit. Phew...for about 3 seconds I felt guilty.
P.S. Remember "As Iraqis stand up we'll stand down"? Well, the Pentagon says that whopper's been mothballed. It's been replaced by the phrase: "Is it January '09 yet?"
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And just one more...
CHEERS to fresh ink. Last week I told you about the local religious nut here in Maine who wants to repeal all our gay rights laws and outlaw any kind of legal same-sex unions in one giant "kitchen sink" referendum (it needs 55,000 signatures to make it on the November '09 ballot). The backlash in the Portland Press Herald has been swift and severe, including a volley from yours truly:
What must we do? What must gays and lesbians---like me and my partner of 15 years---do to be accepted as equals in the eyes of Michael Heath?
We obey the law. We pay our taxes. We follow the Golden Rule. We work hard. We help the local economy. We vote. We give to charity. We take great pride in our state. We keep our yard clean. We're good neighbors. We even fly an American flag from our porch.
But none of that is good enough for Michael Heath. In his world, we're conspirators in some "sexual revolution" that's responsible for all the social ills in the state---including broken homes, child abuse and abortion. I have no recollection of doing these things, so I must be destroying the fabric of society in my sleep. (Does Pfizer make a drug for sleepwrecking?)
Now Mr. Heath and his minions are coming after us---again!---with a kitchen-sink referendum: no rights of any kind for gay or lesbian individuals and couples. He wants to send us back to the days when we could be fired or denied housing or credit because of a characteristic we were born with. Back to the days of ignorance and discrimination and fear. Or as Heath calls them, the good old days.
But still he refuses to answer the simple question: what must we do to be accepted as equals? Walk on water?
No. In Michael Heath's world, all we must do is...disappear.
Fat fucking chance, girlfriend.
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Oh, and Dick Nixon died fourteen years ago. We'll be kind to his memory and just replay the high point of his life. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
George Stephanopoulos: So was it a mistake to solicit and accept Bill in Portland Maine's endorsement?
John McCain: Oh, probably, sure.
---This Week
4/20/08
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